UK coastguards have today announced that they have intercepted a number of cancers attempting to cross the channel in search of a ‘better and longer life’ in the United Kingdom.
It follows this morning’s news that the UK is lagging behind its continental counterparts when it comes to patient survival rates.
Toby Harrison, one of the coastguards on duty last night, told us that he could only see the problem getting worse.
“With today’s news that the UK is allowing cancers to live for some years longer than many EU member states, we expect this to be the first of many attempts for cancers, who would be vulnerable in Europe, seeking asylum in the UK.”
“Many of them are travelling in groups and hoping to lie low until after Brexit, when medicines will be in even shorter supply, possibly promising them a return to their pre-chemo and radio therapy ‘good old days’.
It is believed that many of the cancers are heading for the pancreas, lungs and colons of the UK, but many other areas could be affected.
“It is going to spread like wildfire,” Mr Harrison continued, “once other cancers see how happy and settled their mates have got, then they will be across here before you know it.”
“And don’t think it’ll stop there, once the medicines run out. Smallpox, rabies and the bloody plague will follow before you can say ‘bring out your dead’.”
Whilst Mr Harrison may seem to some to be a glass-half empty, doom-mongering old misery guts, most of what he said can be found in the Yellowhammer report.