Boris Johnson brandished a smoked kipper during the final Tory leadership hustings of the campaign as he embarked on a bizarre rant about “pointless, expensive, environmentally damaging” EU regulations.
“My vision, for a post-Brexit Britain, is one where smoked fish based food poisoning is just not just the affliction of royalty and the upper-middle classes, but a condition freely available to the whole populous.”, waffled the leading contender in the most one-sided competition since the US Ladies football team beat Thailand 13-0.
Mr Johnson went onto to describe the experiences of a Isle of Man based Smokerie producing Kippers
This caused difficulties for Sky, ITV, LBC and The Sun as they desperately tried to explain to their patrons, where the Isle of Man is located and what a Kipper actually is.
Mr Johnson claimed that EU regulations require that fish being mailed are accompanied by a plastic “ice pillow”
“Food Poising is the, economic & efficient answer to many of the UK’s current issues”, Mr Johnson went onto say, “Just think of the reduction to the Welfare budget, if we can kill a few more thousand off, cheaply, with a new food contamination scandal. In more serious cases, the opportunity for much needed population reduction could be seized. The long term NHS savings would be substantial, whilst boosting the coffers of many smokeries up and down the United Kingdom, many of whom reside on the estates owned by key Tory funders. Previous conservative governments have failed, with poultry based poisoning, it’s now time to champion the fish. ‘Pisces quoque Chamion!’, we should all be shouting”, Huzzahed, the blond tousled haired funster, fantasising about his Latin Master in Eton’s fourth form (again).
The Food Standards Agency’s current best estimate suggests that there are around one million cases of foodborne illness in the UK each year, resulting in 20,000 hospital admissions and contributing to around 500 deaths
“If nothing else, just think of the beneficial impact on the nation’s growing obesity problem. Why, only this week I was made aware of a man in Surrey, doing his bit for Britain and the NHS. He lost half a stone in four days following a dodgy roast dinner and can now proudly call himself ‘mildly overweight’, rather than ‘slightly obese’ “, stated the man we used to call lovingly call BoJo (when nobody thought he would have any influence outside London), “…add a dodgy prawn into that mix and his BMI would have been well down to within normal BMA boundaries. ‘Viva la crevette’, the saviour of the NHS. Food Poisoning for All, ‘Empoisonnement alimentaire pour Le Monde’ “, he cried, in a veil of distraction, as a rabid, sycophantic audience went wild.
The Isle of Man is not actually part of the United Kingdom nor the EU
Mr Johnson went onto add, “This fish smokerie, has traded and existed outside of the EU for its entire existence and yet to sell fish to the EU, they have to comply with these ridiculous regulations. Once the UK leaves the EU as well, we like the Isle of Man……..hang on”, stated the soon-to-be prime Minister as the penny dropped with an alarming thud