Following post-brexit food shortages, schools will only feed students achieving Cs or higher.

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Following post-brexit food shortages, schools will only feed students achieving Cs or higher

The Department for Education has told schools to ensure their own sources of food in the event of the UK leaving the EU without a deal.

Gavin Williamson, the  Secretary of State for Education, also announced that to deal with possible food shortages, schools would now only provide meals to students achieving consistent grades of C and above.

When asked as to why students earning lower grades would not be fed, Williamson shrugged and replied:
“What’s even the point? So we can waste resources on future car boot tradesmen and scrap iron collectors?”

There are concerns that students will end up fighting for food, but Williamson noted that this would be good practice, as they’d ‘more than likely need to do that when they leave school anyway.’

A recent survey of universities found some colleges were planning to stockpile food and other essential supplies, including toilet paper, in expectation of shortages.

The DfE believes that these universities may rebel against the government, and become their own nation of sovereign states, that will form their own economy and trade relations based on their stockpile of supplies. Cambridge is expected to model itself after a booming 19th century duchy, while the University of Wolverhampton is more than likely to model itself after a war ridden African nation, rife with death squads and child soldiers.
Experts believe that this will be an improvement, and likely to move it a few places up the University league tables.

A letter sent by the DfE, with regards to preparing for Brexit, was criticised by school leaders for not giving any practical advice or support.

When confronted about this, Gavin Williamson replied “Didn’t you see my shrug earlier?”
That said, the DfE has stressed they want to ensure that students are able to reap the benefits of Britain leaving the E.U, such as ‘less depressing history lessons about WW2’, ‘replacing French and Spanish classes with ‘Mild Islamophobia’ and ‘Some Harry Potter facts’‘, and ‘Not having to chaperone a horde of pubescent turds around the goddamn Eiffel tower’.


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