So Labour didn’t win the election
But their voters don’t really mind.
Jubilant Labour voter John Timms claimed rubbing in 5 years of Tory incompetence would be “Better than a coke fuelled 3 way with January Jones and Kelly Kapowski.”
Timms continued “I’m in the north west, just gleefully counting the seconds until Boris greenlights fracking again.”
“I’ll say ‘Every earthquake is the rumble of your naïveity!’ “
“That should play well on Facebook.”
On subsequent trade deals outside of the E.U, Timms was equally hopeful of getting thoroughly shafted by the U.S.
“I genuinely can’t wait to be munching down on chlorinated chicken til my eyes look like I shaved them with swimming pool water.”
“With every bite I’ll be staring at whoever I think voted Conservative.”
“I’ll also be staring at any women I think are fit.” He added.
“As for worker rights? Forget about it; it’ll be minimum wage hell. A magical, smug hell.”
“Of course, if by some disaster, Boris actually does a good job with the NHS and brexit goes through smoothly… We’ll always have that cunt hiding in a fridge that time…”
At press time it is understood Timms regretted making the three way announcement before his wife left the room.
When reached for comment, Timm’s wife confirmed “Tory rule is certainly better than any sex I’ve had.”
“Under wedlock.” She added.