“First the world cup, now this…” Brits furious that 45.9°C France has beaten our record highest score.

Health, Lifestyle and Family, World News
First the world cup, now this... Brits furious that 45.9°C France has beaten our record highest score.

France has hit its highest recorded temperature of 45.9°C.

England can’t deal with the fact they now have a higher score than us.

France has hit its highest recorded temperature of 45.9°C absolutely decimating our record of 38.5°C in 2003

which, quite frankly, is barely enough to warrant a cheeky Cornetto.

This is playing havoc with our national psyche which is almost exclusively based on how much better we’re doing than the French.

Terry, some bloke from Northampton, gave us a shouty and unsolicited interview, saying “First the world cup now this?!” When we told him the new record was measured in the southern town of Gallargues-le-Montueux he proudly said “Well if it’s the South of France it’s basically ours anyway.”

French authorities have stepped up restrictions on water use to combat the heatwaves effects, whilst 4,000 schools are now closed or in special measures. We still have that over them: we don’t need heat to close our schools, that’s what the Education Secretary is for.

Meteorologists say hot air drawn in from northern Africa is responsible for the heatwave, another nail in the coffin of any pro-immigrant rhetoric. All this wind coming over here, taking our cold fronts – “Just because they’ve got more degrees” muttered Terry.

Health Minister Agnès Buzyn has said “everyone is at risk”. Terry responded with “yeah, mostly you, mate” holding up two fingers and muttering something about longbows.

The other contributing factor to the heatwave is high pressure over central Europe. This complicates things because now we’re leaving the EU, it probably won’t affect us meaning it’s going to be even harder for us to be hotter than the French.

Nigel Farage is now calling for people to drive absolutely everywhere, leave their taps running and only use single use plastics in a desperate bid to drive up temperatures and show those frogs who’s boss.

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