“Farage would make great negotiator” advises President so bad at negotiating he caused a month long government shutdown.

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Ahead of his state visit, Donald Trump has declared that the UK should leave the EU without a deal and that they should send in Nigel Farage to negotiate.

“Nigel’s great, really great. I think you’ve got some terrific people in your country. I’ve personally asked that the Chuckle Brothers become the UK ambassadors in Washington, two ambassadors, double efficiency” Trump said to a MacDonald’s drive through outside of Stansted Airport on Monday morning – seemingly unaware of 2018’s most tragic piece of news.

Trump believes Farage “has a lot to offer” in negotiations.

He continued “he’d be a great negotiator for us, US, you, i mean you, the UK, not the US”

For months Trump has been lining up potential negotiators for the UK. In a leaked WhatsApp message from a group between Trump, Farage and Aaron Banks, Trump suggested including Piers Morgan, as another individual who would be great to have in the room, only because he’s such an annoying prick that the EU would be desperate to get him out of the room that they’d likely concede at the earliest opportunity to get talks over with. “That’s how negotiations work, you take terrible people, lock them in a room and the rational people just give in eventually”, one message read.

Another suggestion was Dave Lee Travis “I’ve heard he’s nicknamed the hairy cornflake, make him lead negotiator for agriculture, the name fits. We’ll send over the Kardashian family, all of them, smart people, they know corn too” although it’s possible Trump didn’t fully understand the reasoning behind the nickname.

Trump also backed Boris Johnson for Prime Minister, insisting he’d “do a very good job he would be excellent”

Boris Johnson has already lined up a series of deals with Trump, firstly renaming all NHS hospitals ‘Trump bodyshops’, handing over the keys to trident, and building a tree house at 10 Downing Street so that when he visits, Trump has a place to read his playboys and escape Melania.

In the past Barack Obama was lambasted by Nigel Farage for criticising Brexit during the run up to the 2016 referendum, accusing him of “not acting statesmanlike, unlike Vladimir Putin who remained silent”.

Putin opted to allow his troll farms do the talking.

Presumably now, with Donald Trump advocating Nigel Farage to be the lead negotiator, Farage must be incensed at the president’s interference as a foreign president and will be first in line to welcome him with a milkshake.

(Additional Material: Chris Ballard)

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