Farage Wants Election Alliance with Tories – Tories Want Farage to Look Less Like a Frog

UK Politics
Nigel Farage will try to Beat Off the Tories if withdrawal method fails

Nigel Farage says there needs to be ‘some kind of alliance’ between the Tories and the Brexit party for the upcoming election on 12 December, suggesting he would stand down hundreds of candidates to stop a split in the pro-Brexit poll.

With a pint in one hand and a half smoked fag in the other, Farage slurred out his message to an assembled press pack at the official launch of the Brexit election campaign this morning.

“We xenophobes must unite (hic),” said Farage between lengthy farts, “And at the moment Boris’ lot (hic) are even more right wing than we are. So why take each other on at the polls? Better we form a pact. We will not put up (hic) candidates in some seats if the Tories similarly help us in others. After all, we share a common (hic) goal, to blame the foreigners for everything as we flush the UK down the toilet.”

Seriously creepy shit-lizard, Richard Tice, then added his weight to Farage’s call for cooperation with the Tories. Wearing a brown shirt and suffering a problem with his elbow that made his arm keep shooting out like Dr. Strangelove’s, Tice whispered, “All ve vant in return from ze Tories is complete and utter subjugation by us. It’s not too much to ask, is it? Zey vill be allowed to sit in ze houses of parliament as Tories but ve vill be vorking zer mouths.”

Tice went on to add, “Ve heff a master plan, ja? Ve vill sell ze NHS to Trump, und use ze money to build a wall to keep out ze… (The list of people Tice wanted to keep out of the UK is too long to print in this article).

The Leper-of-the-House, Jacob Rees-Mogg, when asked for a comment on Farage’s offer, said, “Oh no, no, no. We couldn’t have that. He’d frighten the lower orders. He looks too much like a frog.”

PM Johnson was asked for a comment on Farage’s offer, but he answered in Latin, so nobody understood a f*cking word he said.

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