The Dutch, Spanish and Monaco Grands Prix have been postponed due to the coronavirus outbreak, Formula 1 bosses have announced.
The news comes after consultation with the World Health Organisation who advised that ‘depressingly dull TV’ could have a negative impact on the mental health of people in isolation who need to be entertained ‘not subjected to hours of this type of shit.’
The sports’ bosses argued that, with proper sport cancelled, they might be able to get a look in. But governments across the world agreed that the opportunity to close down Formula 1 was ‘too good to miss.’
Bosses are now considering ‘all possibilities’ in relation to the F1 season and providing fans with alternatives.
These include listening to a hairdryer while gouging your own eyes out with a spoon, standing on any high street and just shouting ‘Vrooooommmmmm!’ whenever a Volvo drives past you or emulating your heroes by driving twice round the M25 and shitting your pants.