The official letter from the PM to Donald Tusk – in which Theresa May requests a delay to Brexit – was released yesterday.
What no one saw, however, was Theresa’s own first draft – written before her PR team had realised what was going on. They thought they’d destroyed the original letter – but we’ve managed to get our hands on a copy.
Dear Donald, Jean-Claude and even Michel,
I write to all of you because frankly I’ve lost all track of who to bloody speak to.
Firstly I’d like to congratulate the European Union. Who knew that you’d be so good at sticking together in times of adversity, and putting the priorities of all member states before that of the departing United Kingdom, we’ll all be honest we didn’t see that coming.
With the praise out of the way, let me now condemn the European Union. The way you have conducted these negations is frankly disgusting, did you not hear Liam Fox when he said a free trade agreement with the European Union will be the easiest in history? Your stubbornness has embarrassed my Brexiteer MPs no end. Everything they say, you debunk with ease. I’ve already lost more Brexit ministers, than I’ve won meaningful votes. That includes David Davies, Michel you must remember him? He put through a lot of expenses for his trips to Brussels, although I only ever received notes for four hours’ worth of negotiations with yourself, which was strange. Do you remember when David said that after the referendum Britain will hold all of the cards? Well that’s why I hired him, I thought he did hold the cards, in reality he was only holding the Joker.
Why oh why couldn’t you show some neighbourly love and simply allow us to leave in a calm and dignified manner? There’s nobody to blame but yourselves for the state we’re in.
Anyway I may have gotten off track. Brexit means Brexit, I’ve always believed that and I still do. Unfortunately the politicians backing Brexit can’t actually describe what Brexit is. So when it comes to getting a deal through Parliament, it seems damn near impossible to actually do so. David Davis and Boris Johnson, the co-chairs of vote leave, voted against each other during my second meaningful vote. How on earth are you going to make sense of that? I thought the will of the people, meant people knew what they were voting for, well they can’t be when the most senior leavers can’t even agree on what the withdrawal agreement should be.
Now in case you hadn’t heard (I’m not sure how extensive the Brexit coverage is in mainland Europe) I lost my second meaningful vote. It turned out that running down the clock and then bringing the exact same deal to parliament was not the best tactic. On the bright side I didn’t lose as badly this time, only by about 149, I’m improving my Brexit game. What this does mean is that I’m going to need that extension after all, only a short one I promise, unless of course you’d rather we have a long one, then I’m sure I’ll cave in.
Now if you grant this, I promise, I’ll come back with a solid mandate this time so we can have a proper negotiation. Something I know I can get through parliament. Please just give me a few more months. Please. That’s all I need! Once agreed I’ll take a new deal back to parliament, and we’ll have ‘Meaningful vote 3 – This time it’s binding’. Do you like that? That’s a screenplay name I’ve copyrighted, I’m sure this will make a great movie one day, I can see Olivia Coleman collecting her Bafta now.
Please do not lose patience with the United Kingdom. I know all hope seems lost, the public are fed up and certainly the three of you seem to have been a little frustrated of late. But I’m confident, that with a little more time, and if we actually just sat down and talked, then parliament might finally come to a sensible agreement on what Brexit should look like.
Bottomless brunch at number 10 this Saturday should get the party started. Sometimes I think I should have done that 2 years ago.
Look forward to hearing back from you soon, please hurry, we haven’t got long.
P.S. Angela Merkel, I know that Donald will send this to you, because you can’t keep that beak out of anything in Europe. You were right, we couldn’t do this in 2 years, I owe you 30 Euros. Please don’t keep emailing my PA chasing payment. Next summit, I promise I’ll give it to you in person.