Ed Sheeran’s boss resigns over damning allegations that he’s Ed Sheeran’s boss.

Entertainment, Art & Culture
Ed Sheeran's boss resigns over damning allegations that he's Ed Sheeran's boss

Ben Cook, who gave Ed Sheeran his first record deal, has stepped down as president of Atlantic Records.

Cook has resigned this week over allegations that he did, in fact, give Sheeran his first record deal.

Cook released a statement earlier today saying that the allegations against him were true, and he has struggled with the result of his actions.

“While my intention was to sign a bright new talent, I had no idea of the over-saturated musical banality that Ed would force on the world, and I cannot in good conscience remain in my position while living with the terrible mistake I made.”

A statement from Warner Music, Atlantic’s parent company, said: “Ben Cook is leaving Atlantic UK and this will be his last week in the office”.

All physical copies of Sheeran’s music will be dumped into the company’s ‘mega-furnace’, while Cook and Sheeran will be completely erased from all records and media, in a Stalin-esque act of cultural revisionism.

Cook is also blacklisted from all music companies operating in Europe and the United states, under the newly instated ‘Thinking out Loud’ law, named after his actions being responsible for that musical equivalent of Grey’s Anatomy montage.

Cook faced a backlash after the executive admitted to causing offence by dressing up as a member of Run DMC at a birthday party.

“The blackface was certainly a factor,” a spokesperson from Atlantic said, “But honestly, it’s definitely the Sheeran thing. Everybody is doing blackface these days, but not everybody is responsible for the song ‘Shape of You’, a song that, despite its intent, is about as sexy as Tears in Heaven, or The Monster Mash.”

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