Thousands of people are stockpiling toilet roll, leaving supermarket shelves empty, in preparation for the coronavirus.
God Almighty has decided to get involved in the coronavirus debacle by inflicting norovirus on every single person who stockpiled toilet rolls because they haven’t clearly understood the symptoms of Covid-19.
The Lord said, “The last few years have not looked good for me after I invented people as they have proved again and again what a massive bunch of dicks they can be.
“None more so than stripping shelves bare of toilet paper for an illness that doesn’t even have going to the toilet symptoms.
“As such, I figured it only fair to the people who ordinarily bulk buy toilet roll but haven’t recently because they don’t want to look like total cunts, that every single selfish – and shelf-ish, see what I did there? – person has a plague of norovirus sent down on them!
“They’ll tear through all 156 rolls of that paper – oh yeah, another classic pun from the mouth of Jehovah! – faster than it takes a normal, sensible, non-hoarding family to go through half of one.”
Bulk buyer, Barabus Valentine, said, “Oooooooooh God. Uuuurrrrrrggggghhh, bleurgh. Coronavirus can’t possibly be any worse than this, can it?”