Diagnostic ‘Smart Loo’ so smart, it decides to stop being shat on, and starts driving for Uber.

Features, Health, Science and Tech

Soon we might not even need to visit our GPs at all – because scientists have developed a ‘Smart Loo’ that sifts through your waste and can tell if you’re ill.

Not sure how ‘smart’ any device is if it’s chosen to sit there and get covered in piss and shit.

A truly ‘smart’ loo might think about a career change. Maybe retrain as an Uber Driver.

Then at least you’ll just be getting shit on by your overbearing Ts and Cs – not me and my hangover.

Although I guess, same shit different day…

Once the NHS works out exactly where all of this new money comes from, they’re going to spend some of it on an App that will apparently make accessing services ‘as easy as online shopping’.

Presumably that means I’ll drunk-buy a prosthetic leg, wait in three days straight for it to be delivered, and then have to return it when I realise it doesn’t fit. On account of me already having two entirely functional legs.

According to a report, the NHS should also be allowed to introduce a flexible salary system – paying more to those in less popular specialisms that are harder to recruit for.

Applying free-market economy principles might seem like a good idea – until you realise that doctors and nurses in popular jobs they love will end up being paid minimum wage, while the guy sticking that camera up inside my bum is going to round out the year a millionaire!

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Adam Hunt

Written By: Adam Hunt

TV Producer (The One Show, Big Brother, Mel and Sue), Comedy Writer (Sitcoms and Sketches in development), Founder member of 'A Better Kind Of Funny', and creator of The News Dump.
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