Champagne smash for Sir David Attenborough polar ship
Sir David Attenborough, the only person left in the whole world that everyone trusts, got drunk and changed his name to Boaty McBoatface by deed pole yesterday.
He did this on the dock moments after the new polar explorer ship was launched, whilst he and the Duchess of Cambridge were knocking back the Methuselah of champagne that was supposed to be smashed on the ship.
This means the ship named after the man formerly known as David Attenborough is now named after no one in particular and the crew feels rather stupid.
‘Fuck’ said the ship’s captain on hearing the news.
‘Well that’s just fucking fucked the whole thing up you fucking old fucker!’ He later added.
He is now considering renaming the boat to Boaty McBoatface as the public demanded.
But Mr McBoatface, now well into the third bottle, said that if he did that he’d change his name back to Sir David Attenborough.
‘Well that’s just fucking typical isn’t it?’ remarked the captain on hearing this latest development.
In a panic he has decided to rename it to Greta Thunberg.
On hearing the news Miss Thunberg hastily changed her name to Greta McThunberg Face.
‘What the fuck is going on? We just want to go to the North Pole and save some fucking bears and plankton and shit. Why can’t people just stop changing their names?’
He is now threatening to call the boat Boris Johnson even if this means it is likely to sink before it gets out of the North Sea.