The Daily Telegraph has apologised “unreservedly” to Melania Trump and agreed to pay her “substantial damages” for an article it published last week.
It has transpired that the cover story “The Mystery of Melania” contained a number of false statements, which failed to adequately convey just how horrible being married to former reality TV star and prize wanker Donald Trump really is.
They had included factually inaccurate claims the US First Lady was struggling in her modelling career before she met her husband and that she cried on election night.
Melania’s friends have confirmed that not only was her modelling career struggling, it was in such a state that she was desperate enough to take the only option left to aspiring models – a loveless marriage to a rich, old, sexually perverse old man.
They also confirmed that she didn’t cry on election night. She uttered guttural sobs at the news of her husband’s success, along with all decent, rational thinking Americans.
The article also wrongly claimed that Mrs Trump’s mother, father and sister relocated to New York in 2005 to live in buildings owned by Donald Trump.
Melania may have been willing to lower herself to living in a Trump owned building for the sake of her career and financial stability, but she wasn’t going to put her family through that misery, choosing instead to house them in the comparative luxury of a rat-infested motel on the outskirts of the city.
Melania has accepted payment of an unknown amount to cover damages caused to her reputation by the misleading Telegraph article.
Although let’s face it, the only feelings the public have towards the First Lady are ones of utmost sympathy, knowing that she is regularly subjected to the horror of having a bloated, KFC-sweating, orange wobbly mass rutting away on top of her on a regular basis.
It is also understood that the money has been added to Melania’s growing ‘escape fund’.