Juventus forward Cristiano Ronaldo has been charged with improper conduct by Uefa for his goal celebration during the recent win over Atletico Madrid in the Champions League knock-out stages.
Following a forensic examination of video evidence it has now become clear that in implying that his penis is the size of a canoe, and his balls the size of prize pumpkins, he was in direct breach of Uefa law.
Suchs gesture, which as well as suggesting that the 5 time Ballon D’Or winner has a potentially serious medical issue that may need checking up on really soon, also falls foul of Uefa’s strict guidelines on acts of simulation.
A spokesman for Uefa said ‘There is simply no way his knob is that big. I mean, he wouldn’t be able to run or jump if it was. Plus we’d probably be able to see it through his shorts.’
‘Look, don’t get me wrong, if his packet really is that huge, I’d very much like to see it,’ the Uefa spokesman concluded.
The announcement of this charge comes hot on the heels of a recent case in Germany where a referee is suing all the home fans for calling him a ‘wanker’ after he awarded a contentious late penalty. Uefa’s Department for Integrity in Football is currently examining if there is sufficient evidence to support the crowd’s accusation, but is fairly confident there is. Because he’s a football referee. And a man.
Uefa will rule on the Ronaldo case on 21 March.