August the 12th marks the start of the four month long Grouse Shooting season
and rich, sadistic b*stards from all over the country are flocking to the estates of even richer land owners, to murder birds in their tens of thousands for……….’sport’
Grouse moors cover about 550,000 acres of land in England and Scotland – an area bigger than Greater London.
“We are pleased to say that the sport of bird-murdering is still popular amongst sadistic psychopaths”, stated Lady Forbes-Weacceptamericanexpress, owner of Wehaveeveryexcuseinthebook Estates, “Especially rich, sadistic, psychopaths, who can afford my £1000/day fees whilst inflicting death and pain on numerous small creatures.”
Labour said there were “viable alternatives”, like simulated shooting.
“Oh where would be the fun in that?”, Lady Forbes-Cashalsoaccepted objected, “We offer clients the full-on bloodletting experience. Their day begins with us collecting all our clients credit-cards, before they are then plied with half a bottle of Aldi Scotch, disguised in a Lagavulin bottle. They are then attired in a (provided) polyester tweed outfit. From there, it’s a short ten minute out onto the moor, where we my surfs, I mean ground-staff, scare the awkward birds from their roosts. Then the fun starts”, she cackled
It is estimated 500,000 birds are killed each Grouse season
“It’s a grand day out”, said construction company owner, Colin Moremoneythansense, from Notlob, “Where else can a bloke dress up daft and send dozens of helpless creatures to a violent death? Well, I guess you can in Syria, but they shoot back at you there. Here, if the dog messes up with retrieving, it gets it too. Double the fun. No I prefer my blood sports completely one-sided thank you, before I head off home in my top-of-the-range 5 Series ”
According to the RSPB, the sport is both economically important and popular in the shooting community
“You should be thanking me. I employ a workforce equivalent to the population of Wales”, defended Lady Forbes-Itsalltuckedawayinthecaymenislands, “People who live in cities and anyone who isn’t on a seven-figure salary, simply do not understand the ways of the countryside. It’s people like myself, who are generously providing livelihoods to peasants, based on the traditional rural skills of land management and avian cruelty. ”
Supporters of grouse hunting say it generates tens of millions of pounds for the rural economy and supports more than 2,600 jobs.
“I’ll have you know, these birds are looked after lovingly for eight months of the year,” stated Ted Bendedknee, who manages the shoot on the estate, “It’s only for one-third of the year, or less, if they are unlucky, do they run the risk of being blasted out of the sky, whilst fleeing in fear. For the rest of the year, we on The Estate turn to more challenging targets like Hen Harriers, Golden Eagles and Animal Rights Protesters.”
It is reported that Grouse shooting at Balmoral has been postponed this year due to dwindling numbers
“I would be only to happy to host the blood thirsty royals”, Lady Forbes-Hedgefund, beamed, “I can double my fee with a ‘By Appointment’ approval”