Unofficial reports from Downing Street this morning suggest that Health Secretary Matt Hancock may be about to lose his post, just days after a cabinet reshuffle ousted some of his high profile colleagues, with rumours suggesting that the Coronavirus may be set to take up the role.
A leaked document, allegedly from Prime Minister Boris Johnson, claims that the country needs a ‘less toxic and harmful minister’ responsible for the nations health and that the appointment of the progressive young virus would be a ‘step in the right direction’.
An anonymous insider told us this morning that, despite his best efforts, Mr Hancock remaining in charge of public health was too much of a risk, both to the public and to the Conservative Party’s reputation.
“Matt is doing his best but, quite frankly, it’s pretty shit, we really didn’t think that anybody could fuck things up more than Jeremy Hunt did. However, he has managed it and he will receive a knighthood for his efforts. We now need to be looking to hand over the reins to a less hazardous option and the Coronavirus fits the bill perfectly.
For a short interim period, it is believed that the H5N1 virus, a form of avian flu that had a brief spell in the limelight during the mid 2010s, but failed to secure an official cabinet post, will oversee the transition.
“Mr Johnson is determined that the UK will become the envy of the world. If it’s happening globally, the UK will be at the forefront.”
It is believed that Pestilence, War, Famine and Death, all of whom are said to be ‘furious’ at having been overlooked during last week’s reshuffle, are set to be handed senior posts by the end of the year.