Chancellor Rishi Sunak has announced £350 gazillion to fight Coronavirus as the pound dropped low that he just doesn’t give a shit anymore.
As the virus continues to put pressure on the nations’ finances, the pound hits its lowest level against the dollar since 1985.
Mr Sunak said the £350b he promised earlier this week is no longer enough to buy much more than a round of coffees and few bags of loo roll, and that the £350 gazillion he has now made available will make ‘no difference at all’ but ‘sounds fucking amazing doesn’t it?’
Experts say that part of the pounds’ weakness stems from uncertainty around how the government will pay for the measures it has already put in place.
But the chancellor assured the public that he’ll do ‘whatever it takes.’ Even if that means making up even more numbers.
In his latest briefing on the UK’s approach to tackling Covid-19, the Prime Minister said he intends to make ‘more use of made up numbers’ as questions are asked about his handling of the epidemic. He went on to say that anyone displaying symptoms should self-isolate for as many days as he has children and that those living in a house where somebody displays symptoms should isolate their whole family for the number of days it takes the average left-hooved unicorn to tie its laces.