Cornish revolt over vegan pasties. ‘They call themselves Cornish but make no attempt to integrate’ complain traditional pasties.


A bakery in Cornwall has created a pasty which contains meat substitute instead of the traditional steak filling. Pasty purists from Land’s End to Launceston insist that if it’s vegan, it can’t be called a Cornish pasty.

The largest manufacturer of Cornish pasties – Ginsters – said the vegan alternative was a travesty.

“We pride ourselves on making traditional Cornish fare such as the chicken tikka slice,” said a spokesman. “New products can’t just rock up calling themselves Cornish without understanding or respecting our heritage.

“Our traditional pasties are very upset about it all – their very identity and way of life is under threat.”

Some Cornish locals claim their ‘forefathers and mother’s would be spinning in their graves.’

Many people died in the pasty wars of the late 19th and early 20th centuries when vegan hordes repeatedly attacked the Cornish coast in an attempt to invade local cuisine.

The descendants of these brave heroes are upset that vegan options are now simply free to roam the bakeries of St Ives unmolested.

Others, however, say that the past is the past and that all pastry based snacks need to learn to live together in harmony – for the sake of the mini party-size pasties if nothing else.

The EU says only a pasty made the traditional way in Cornwall can be called a Cornish pasty.

“That’s right, even the bloody EU!” screamed an angry leave-voting local. “If I’d known Brexit would lead to this I’d never have voted for it! Fuck £350m a week for the NHS, I don’t want other people with different thoughts and feelings to be happy!”

The advent of Cornish mining in the 19th century cemented the pasty as an integral part of the Cornish diet.

To this day most inhabitants of Cornwall still subsist entirety on a diet of Cornish pasties. In fact, Cornish people can easily identify each other by their distinctive onion breath, similar to a mason’s handshake.


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