Jeremy Corbyn and his closest allies are at war over whether to back an early election, and have developed ‘parallel and conflicting’ strategies that Labour fear will leave the campaign in chaos.
Speaking at his training camp in Islington, Jeremy Corbyn, wearing boxer shorts, boots and leather boxing gloves 4 sizes too big, threw a few punches at his shadow whilst answering questions from a press pack
“Boris told me to ‘man up,’ So, I’ve started my training regime so I’m in good shape to fight an early election,” puffed the old duffer as he bounced around a boxing ring with his sparring partner, ‘Wheezin’ Diane Abbott. Abbott, fresh from a recent car crash, was no match for Corbyn who repeatedly socked her in the chops with his right hand, barking, “Take that fatso!” with each blow landed.
When asked if this meant he was in favour of a November election, Corbyn stopped, spat out his gum shield and panted out, “Yes, but I’m not letting on which year.”
Unfortunately at this point Diane Abbott swung round and struck Corbyn on the chin with her killer paunch and Her Majesty’s leader of the opposition crumpled like a squashed paper coffee cup, and was unconscious before he hit the deck.
Sitting in Corbyn’s corner at ringside was his second, John McDonnell who shook his head in despair.
“He’s in no shape yet to take on Boris, and I doubt if he ever will be,” bemoaned the shadow chancellor, “If there’s an early election we’ll get hammered.”
When asked when he thought it would be best for Labour to fight an election, McDonnell pointed at Corbyn lying flat out on the canvas and grumbled, “When we’ve retired that old bugger. We have many brilliant MPs in our training camp just itching for a shot at becoming leader, all of them better than that old tosser. Any one of them would be capable of kicking Boris’s pimply fat butt.”
When asked to ‘name names,’ McDonnell said, “Where do I start? Jess Phillips, Angela Rayner, Rebecca Long-Bailey, Dawn Butler… They’re all scary women that pack a punch.”
When asked why he didn’t mention any Labour male MPs, McDonnell snapped, “Have you seen them? What a bunch of fannies!”