Kicking off the Labour election campaign, Jeremy Corbyn called the 12th December election a ‘once-in-a-generation’ opportunity to fundamentally change our country and vowed to ‘transform’ the UK once elected PM.
He then clarified this claim to an astounded press pack by saying when (not if) he is made Prime Minister he intends to ditch the pound sterling and replace it with the Venezuelan Bolivar (currently worth 0.1 of a coconut vs. £1 Sterling on the currency market)
Further, he committed to ditching the Union Jack in favour of a horizontal tricolour of yellow, blue and red with the Venezuelan national coat of arms on the upper hoist side of the yellow band, and an arc of eight white five-pointed stars centred on the blue band, an ensign that he thought looked nicer than our current standard.
When pressed by the ever present junior press hound from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ as to what will be his first election campaign move, Corbyn signalled for two of Len McClusley’s thugs to ‘take the lad out side and give him a ‘good old re-educational kicking.’
Once the young cub reporter had been ejected from the room, Corbyn continued.
“For starters,” dribbled Corbyn, his wonky new jam jar bottomed glasses sliding to the tip of his nose as his wrinkly old jowls wobbled, “I’m changing my surname by deed poll to Maduro. I know it doesn’t scan so well with my theme tune, ‘Oh Je-re-my Cor-byn,’ but if you bludgeon it into the tune of the 1963 Crystals hit single, ‘Da-Do Ron Ron,’ and fiddle with the lyrics a bit, you can all sing, ‘Oh Je-re-my Ma-du-ron-ron,’ every time I totter up towards a lectern to blether on about fairness and equality.”
When asked for a comment on the news that the UK is set to become Venezuela under a Jeremy Corbyn premiership, ’wheezin’ Diane Abbott snapped, “Under a Jeremy Maduro premiership, you twat!”