Conservative voters awoke to double delight on Friday as their election victory was boosted by news that NHS waiting times are at an all-time high.
In November almost 30% of patients in major hospital A&E departments waited longer than four hours to be seen – the worst performance on record.
The Prime Minister said it was ‘great news’ as ‘the feckless are so much easier to control when they’re ill.’
Last month for the first time ever, waiting times at major A&E departments in England were more than the four-hour target.
Health Secretary Matt Hancock said, ‘this type of over achievement can only be accomplished under a Conservative government’. He praised Boris Johnson for ‘running a campaign to convince even Labour voters to hate the NHS as much as the Conservative Party do.’
Almost 89,000 patients were forced to wait longer than four hours on a trolley in A&E for a bed, while 1,112 patients waited more than 12 hours for a bed.
And many patients found that, once they were eventually allocated a bed, a Tory activist had laced the sheets with itching powder. Mr Hanccok said there was ‘no real reason for this. We’re just nasty bastards.’
In the week to 8 December, 28 A&Es were forced to put diverts in place while eight hospital emergency departments temporarily closed.
After the news was announced two thirds of the electorate hosted impromptu celebrations, decorating their homes with pictures of suffering cancer patients and elderly people laying in their own excrement, and playing traditional party games such as pass the buck, musical immigrant bashing and pin the lips on Bojo’s arse.
Nigel Edwards, chief executive of the Nuffield Trust health think tank said the PM ‘will have to deliver on his promise of 50,000 extra nurses.
Mr Edwards said he’s ‘hopeful’ as he’s consulted some of Britain’s best mathematicians and been assured that, according to the laws of probability, Boris Johnson is due to deliver on a promise before May 2024.