Hillary Clinton, who lost in a shock defeat to Donald Trump in 2016, has ruled out a third US presidential run in 2020.
Mrs Clinton has instead decided to open a sex addiction clinic with husband Bill. The ‘Keep That Disgusting Thing In Your Pants Clinic’ has already gathered quite a large amount of funding from numerous donations across the US. However, it seems a misunderstanding had occurred as almost 90% of donations were from horny, teenage boys believing the clinic would provide video tutorials from the Clinton’s themselves.
Mrs Clinton told New York’s News 12 TV channel: “I’m not running, but I’m going to keep on working and speaking up for what I believe in”.
“And what I believe is that marriage should be monogamous. I believe that a husband should completely dedicate himself to his wife and that’s why we’ve decided to open the clinic – and also have Bill surgically castrated”.
Asked where she keeps Mr Clinton’s testicles, Mrs Clinton replied “I usually just keep Bill’s balls in my purse”.
Asked by News 12 if she would run again for public office in the future, she said: “I don’t think so”.
With the busy schedule of running the clinic, it’s doubtful Mrs Clinton will ever have the time to run for office again. The clinic already has 5,000 sex addicts across the country signed up, with all 5,000 of them contacted from Bill’s little black book. Although, Mr Clinton maintains it’s more like a phone directory.
The clinic will also soon be hiring staff, with Hillary insisting interns must be “over 90 years old, bald and sagging” to deter Bill from a repeat of the Monica Lewinsky scandal. When asked if a bald, sagging 90-year-old man would stop him, Mr Clinton said: “I can’t make any promises”.
Reacting to Mrs Clinton’s decision to stay out of the race, President Trump sarcastically tweeted that “she will be sorely missed”.
President Trump and former First Lady Mrs Clinton ran a joint campaign to get Mr Trump elected in 2016, but it’s now being reported that the President has also signed up for the clinic, after some saucy email correspondence between Bill and Mr Trump was recently leaked by the media.
The emails detailed some quite disturbing past encounters between Trump, Clinton and a ‘Russian President’, who remained nameless in the exchanges.
It is not yet known who Mr Trump will advise former lawyer Michael Cohen to give the $130,000 hush money to.