Countries will have to increase their carbon-cutting ambitions five fold if the world is to avoid warming more than 1.5c, the UN says. adding, “The summary findings are bleak.”
A forlorn looking Antonio Guterres wept as he left his private restroom in the UN building, commenting, “The World Meteorological Organisation’s report on greenhouse gas emissions makes for miserable reading. I’ve just skimmed through it while I was taking a dump. Apparently there has been a huge surge of CO2 emissions in the UK. Why? Why this sudden upturn?”
However, the bizarre spike in UK emissions came as no surprise to the almost late Lord Heseltine. Speaking from his daytime coffin in his London club, the Tory grandee and cadaver lookalike spat out, “What’s with Guterres? Has he got his head up his arse or something? It’s bloody obvious where the sudden gush of carbon dioxide is coming from. People are burning political manifestos as fast as the parties can print them. For some poor bastards that’s the only half decent fuel they’ve been able to get their hands on in weeks.”
The four leading parties, Conservatives, Labour, SNP, and the LibDems have each produced long print runs of these worthless glossy pamphlets, mountains of the stuff.
‘Homeless Alf’ from ‘on the street,’ Dulwich commented, “They’re no good as bog paper ‘cos they’re varnished. But you can get a decent blaze out of them, Labour’s is the best ‘cos it comes with a little grey book. There’s enough to boil a kettle and cook up some aitch with it.”
However, Greta Thunberg was quick to condemn political publications, specifically those from the Tories, “We’ve had ‘get ready for Brexit’ followed by ‘get ready again for Brexit,’ then ‘get ready again, again for Brexit – This time we’re not kidding, honest!’ pamphlets in their millions. Now it’s their fucking manifesto! I’ve half a mind to screw my face up, close one eye and look really angry!”