Churches close as God self-isolates

World News
America’s quota of ‘thoughts and prayers’ now all used up, declares God

Churches in England have today announced that they will live-stream services to parishioners and will restrict weddings to a maximum of five people, due to the coronavirus pandemic.

However, despite their efforts to stay connected, God has today announced that, no matter what the vicar says, He will not be ‘all around you’, ‘with you in spirit’ or ‘there when you need Him’, due to Him self-isolating for a fortnight after Jesus developed a ‘dry cough and a temperature’ overnight.

“I’m afraid to say that you’re going to have to deal with this one yourself,” seemed to be the message from the Almighty this morning, as he rooted around in the bottom of his heavenly wardrobe for The Game of Eternal Life, Monopoly: Pearly Gates edition and Hungry Hippies.

“We realise that the cough and the fever could just be because we still make Jesus sleep in the stable, but you can’t be too careful. If I pass this on to Mary, she’ll be a bloody nightmare.”

Some on Earth have asked why a divine being so mighty and powerful would allow such an epidemic to spread around the globe, with some even questioning as to how mighty He really is.

“I’ve heard all the critics,” said God this morning, “and I would like to reassure them all that I am very mighty. Really, really mighty, but I am not available at the minute, due to Jesus being queasy. I will get back to being mighty shortly.”

It is expected that God will come out of self-isolation once things are back to normal and we can just get back to telling him how great he is, instead of expecting anything from him.

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