Chris Grayling offered peerage to just stop fucking things up

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Nigel Farage has suggested he was offered a peerage simply for stepping his Brexit Party back at the upcoming election.

The news was swiftly followed by reports that Norman Wisdom of politics, Chris Grayling, has also been offered a peerage by the Conservative party if he just ‘stops attempting to do anything at all’.

The Met Police are looking into investigating Prime Minister Boris Johnson in relation to these allegations.

Senior Tory advisor, Barabus Valentine, said, “The key to stopping the Conservative Party’s utter decimation in the coming years is not to fuck things up any more than we’ve already fucked them up already.

“As such, the best thing any of us could do in this election period is to just get Chris to stop attempting to do anything full stop.

“It’s difficult, I’ll admit. We once asked him to boil an egg and he turned up at Number 10 covered in glue and feathers, wearing jodphurs on his head with his trousers around his ankles.

“So we’re just giving him a peerage on the proviso that he puts on a straightjacket, and sits in a padded room watching House of Cards, which he has agreed to and is in fact watching it at this very moment.

“Though he has somehow still managed to delete all of Netflix from the internet.”

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