Children have been warned to brace themselves for disappointment this Christmas after it emerged that Chris Grayling had been put in charge of the North Pole sleigh contract.
With chocolate coins continuing to fall against every other major currency, Santa has been left with no option but to privatise the sleigh contract in order to cut costs.
Mr Grayling’s initial response was to reduce the number of sleigh flights made per year, but after a Commons Select Committee explained to him for the forty seventh time that less than one is zero, he relented and set about finding a suitable candidate to take on the contract.
In February Mr Grayling was lambasted after he granted a £13.8m ferry contract to Seaborne Freight, a company that didn’t own any ferries and had never operated one.
And the walking disaster has been at it again, giving the sleigh contract to Rolf Harris as he ‘has a beard and seems to like children.’
Mr Harris has never owned a sleigh but claimed that he did once draw one on Cartoon Time. Grayling told the Select Committee that this is ‘sort of the same thing as designing one’ as he bumbled his way through questioning with seemingly no idea that he looked a complete tool and wasn’t convincing anyone that he was anything other than a useless prick.
There was some good news though, as Grayling struggled so much with the concept of timetabling the sleigh to arrive at every location in the world at midnight, that his head exploded. The task of organising the sleigh contract has now been passed to Boris Johnson who said he’ll be happy to answer any questions as to how he plans to ensure all children get their presents delivered on Christmas Eve ‘once Christmas is out of the way.’