Jeremy Corbyn will quit if Labour loses the upcoming general election that is expected within months, says his key ally John McDonnell, who will himself quit his position.
“We could win, but it’s unlikely with Jeremy at the helm,” bleated the mild mannered Trot from the comfort of the threadbare wing-backed armchair old men sit it, “Let’s face it he’s a dead lumber. Our poll ratings have never been so low. Even Len McCluskey’s army of thugs couldn’t beat up enough people into voting for us with Corbyn as our front man. So, we’ll probably hang up our ‘Lenin lookalike’ hats, bin our little red books, and throw in the towel.”
When asked what he and Corbyn intended to do once they leave politics, the white haired old duffer mumbled, “I’m going to advertise walk in baths and stair lifts. I’ve had very good offers from Age UK Mobile and the Radio Times.”
When pressed on what Jeremy Corbyn is likely to do, McDonnell said, “Jezza and Diane Abbott plan to sell their love nest caravan in Cleethorpes for a starter. They intend to use the fifty quid they’ll get from that to set up an ethnic food stall in Islington High street selling something called ‘fusion food,’ whatever the fuck that is.”
Good news spreads fast in these social media connected days, and this has been no exception. As soon as McDonnell made this announcements applications for the upcoming vacancy for leader of the Labour party came flooding in.
Most noticeable amongst them were applications from Ephraim Mirvis, the Chief Rabbi and Dominic Cummings, a lizard-man from the gutter.
When asked for a comment, Mirvis said, “Once Corbyn’s gone the Labour party should be a less hostile place for chaps like me. It’s about time I dipped my toe into politics so I can do my bit to stamp out Islamophobia in women’s professional synchronised swimming.”
When asked for his comments, Dominic Cummings, after first telling us to ‘fuck off and rot,’ said, “I can’t get away with this right wing shite forever. It’d be fun fucking the country over from the left for a change.”