Chelsea Football Club apologise for being Chelsea

Sport
Chelsea Football Club apologise for being Chelsea

Today. Chelsea Football Club have apologised for historical (and shameful) cover ups, of criminal offenses in their past

But equally….. They have also apologised for just being Chelsea Football Club. Especially since 2003.

Chief executive Guy Laurence was quoted

“Back in the mid-70’s we were so much more fun. A whole host of relegation battles, in all divisions. London’s worst team. The butt of every joke on ‘The Goodies’. Losing 6-0 to Nottingham Forest on a cold November Night in 1980. We enjoyed our unique position as being the laughing stock of London and English Football.

But in 2003, when Roman Abramovich took over, it all started to go wrong. Suddenly we were winning things. Huge injections of cash meant we could compete with ‘proper teams’ from ‘Up North’ and parts of Spain. We then employed Jose Mourinho, who alienated us further from our traditional comedy base, by actually having the audacity of winning back-to-back Premierships. We tried sacking him, but what did his successor Avram Grant do? He fails us further by getting us to a Champions League Final. Luckily, John Terry, did the  right thing, on that night in Moscow  and hit the post during the penalty shoot-out. Chelsea Legend!

The intervening years were no better. We brought in Guus Hidinck in, whilst  Roman dug him out of an embarrassing tax position,  and then he let the club down by winning “The Double” in 2009-10. The painful success, just went on and on. Then, The Board, had a wonderful idea, sack the new manager (Andre Villa-Boas) and employ former player, Roberto Di Matteo, two months before the Champions League Final. His only previous achievement was to score a goal after 42 seconds, for Chelsea, in the 1997 FA Cup Final.

He [Di Matteo] only goes and wins the bloody thing [Champions League]. We tried desperately to revive the true traditions of the club by sacking Di Matteo  bringing in arch enemy and former Liverpool Manager, Rafael Benitez, in a move to ruin the club, a man universally hated by the Chelsea faithful. What does he do? Goes an wins the Europa League. Shameful, he had to go.

We brought Mourinho back, thinking that would be disastrous,  but he won The Premiership again, so he had to go. Then it was Antonio Conte (who won the Premiership and FA Cup)…and when we found a real loser in Maurizio Sarri, we thought the ‘happy days’ were with us once more. He [Sarri] fails us once more and wins the Europa League, beating Arsenal 4-1 in the final.

So Chelsea Football Club would like to unreservedly apologise for being Chelsea Football Club. We are sorry we keep winning things. The Board are doing their upmost to reverse this situation. We’ve got ourselves a 12 month UEFA transfer ban and we’ve taken the fabulous decision to employ a manager and former player  [Frank Lampard] who only has one season of managerial experience with Derby County (where he nearly gained promotion) and is the record goal scorer for Chelsea Football Club, universally loved by the supporters…….would could possibly go right?”

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