Prince Andrew has denied engaging in sexual activity with an underage Teenager, by stating that he was at a Pizza Express in Woking during the alleged event.
In an unrelated statement, the Vatican have announced they are now constructing numerous Pizza Express locations inside of The Vatican, for ‘various reasons, all of them above board and Pizza related.’
They have also announced their undying loyalty to Pizza Express, and that many Catholic Priests frequently visit them, and have done so throughout history.
“Our priests absolutely love Pizza Express, and frankly we can’t keep them out of them! If they’re not in the public eye, then they are definitely, definitely, at a Pizza Express, and this has been the case for the past twenty years.
If you’re wondering where a certain Priest was at any point, perhaps due to a testimony or an alleged ‘crime’, then the Vatican can resolutely say they were at a Pizza Express.
Doesn’t matter who or where, if they’re not on the pulpit, they’re sharing a large Sloppy Giuseppe.
Unless it’s a Friday, then it’s an anchovy and fish special.”
The installation of these new Pizza Expresses numbers in the dozens, and they will be all across Vatican city.
Even though only a couple are visible, the Vatican states that they are ‘definitely there’ and ‘inside private areas the public can’t see, but they do exist OK’.
“God told us to build some Pizza Expresses inside the Vatican that only we know about, and he’s the Boss.
So if you can’t see any Priests in the locations visible to the public, then they are definitely in the secret ones inside the Vatican. So once again, just to clarify. They’re either doing highly visible Priest stuff, or at a Pizza Express. Or Sleeping. Those are the only options.”
Pizza Express has refused to comment, issuing a press release that merely says:
“Christ, just give us a few days OK?”