Harvey Weinstein has tested positive for Covid-19. In a statement, the sexual offender media mogul turned just sexual offender said he now intends to self-isolate for the next 23 years. He said the move is further evidence of what a ‘thoroughly decent, public minded and innocent man’ he is.
Due to the coronavirus, millions are working at home at a time when getting hold of supplies of toilet paper are very difficult. In particular, socks all over the UK are in for a horrific time, as millions of men who have been forced to ‘work from home’ are trying to use as little toilet paper as possible.
Churches in England have today announced that they will live-stream services to parishioners and will restrict weddings to a maximum of five people, due to the coronavirus pandemic However, despite their efforts to stay connected, God has today announced that, no matter what the vicar says, He will not be ‘all around you’, ‘with you in spirit’ or ‘there when you need Him’, due to Him self-isolating for a fortnight after Jesus developed a ‘dry cough and a temperature’ overnight.
Dogs have been at the centre of controversy today, after it was revealed that they are charging humans ‘extortionate fees’ to show them how to clean themselves ‘quickly and comfortably’ on even the roughest of carpets. Despite the claims that they are trying to make a quick profit from the current toilet roll crisis, the founder of the movement, an anonymous poodle who wanted only to be identified as Mr Dog, spoke to us earlier today.
With Coronavirus now being labelled as a pandemic, many events across the World are being postponed or cancelled. It has recently come to light that this was the original plan for the virus. More specifically the virus’ purpose is believed to have been started to prevent the Scousers winning the league and stop them going on and on about it.