World News

America’s quota of ‘thoughts and prayers’ now all used up, declares God

Churches close as God self-isolates

March 21, 2020

Churches in England have today announced that they will live-stream services to parishioners and will restrict weddings to a maximum of five people, due to the coronavirus pandemic However, despite their efforts to stay connected, God has today announced that, no matter what the vicar says, He will not be ‘all around you’, ‘with you in spirit’ or ‘there when you need Him’, due to Him self-isolating for a fortnight after Jesus developed a ‘dry cough and a temperature’ overnight.

Loo roll shortage- dogs giving classes on how to effectively wipe your arse on the carpet

Loo roll shortage: dogs giving classes on how to effectively wipe your arse on the carpet

March 21, 2020

Dogs have been at the centre of controversy today, after it was revealed that they are charging humans ‘extortionate fees’ to show them how to clean themselves ‘quickly and comfortably’ on even the roughest of carpets. Despite the claims that they are trying to make a quick profit from the current toilet roll crisis, the founder of the movement, an anonymous poodle who wanted only to be identified as Mr Dog, spoke to us earlier today.

'No offence taken,' says Trump as he orders nuclear strikes against UK, Canada and France

Concerns mount that Donald Trump might be as thick as shit

March 4, 2020

On Monday, the president repeatedly misunderstood drug company executive’s statements about plans to test possible Coronavirus vaccines and claimed that one could be ready in three to four months. Concerns are growing in the US that Donald Trump might be as thick as shit.

Trump determined to buy a keepsake from his trip to Britain - the NHS

Coronavirus destroyed after Donald Trump breathes on it

February 28, 2020

For weeks nations across the globe have watched helplessly as the coronavirus rapidly grew in strength. But now a cure has been discovered, after a lab experiment exposed the bacteria to a sample of breath and saliva from American president Donald Trump. The virus was wiped out within seconds.