Countries around the world are becoming jittery at the prospect of Mr Trump leaving the States and turning up on their borders begging for political asylum. In Germany Angela Merkel commented: “Usually I like to try to help refugees, however I think in this case it’s a ‘nein danke’ from me.”
“ICE are targeting very stern men, women and vulnerable children with unfashionable haircuts and eyebrows which naturally reach a 45 degree angle. The real problem is deporting them to their home world. They will be held in detention camps until NASA comes up with a workable, cost-effective solution. We cannot guarantee that families will not be separated during the process.”
Conjoined twin girls who were joined at the head have been separated in ground-breaking surgery at Great Ormond Street Hospital. Medical Science will now perform miraculous new surgery to conjoin President Donald Trump and PM-elect Boris Johnson to see if a single entity makes any more sense than the nonsensical constituent parts.
Ms Pelosi described Mr Trump’s tweets as “xenophobic” after he told Democratic congresswomen to “go back” to where “they originally came from. They immediately returned to Detroit, Michigan; Chicago, Illinois and the Bronx, New York; 12 miles from where Mr Trump was born back in times of segregation.
“I’m sure Willy Wonka the rest of the Oompa-Loompas would welcome him back with open arms. At the end of the day, he’s a weird looking, self-obsessed creepy narcissist who couldn’t give a damn about the well-being of the children in his care, and so is Willy Wonka. They’ll get on like a house on fire.”
Cairo University lecturer Bob Bobson described the ancient Egyptian council home as ‘like other pyramids but a bit shoddy’. The pyramid is one of just 7 seven council homes built under Snefru’s pharaohship despite a number of headlines in newspapyrus’ from the time quoting the pharaoh and the opposition leaders promising to plough funds into tackling the housing crisis.