World News

Agoraphobes holding claustrophobes to ransom with sky-high prices for their single daily dose of leaving house

Agoraphobes holding claustrophobes to ransom with sky-high prices for their single daily dose of leaving house

March 26, 2020

The Conservative government has put measures in place to restrict everyone to ‘leave home once a day’, for exercise, essential shopping and going to a place of work, only if vital. However, these free-market, libertarian economic principles are allowing agoraphobics to demand sky high prices from claustrophobics for their single daily occurrence of getting out the house.

America’s quota of ‘thoughts and prayers’ now all used up, declares God

Churches close as God self-isolates

March 21, 2020

Churches in England have today announced that they will live-stream services to parishioners and will restrict weddings to a maximum of five people, due to the coronavirus pandemic However, despite their efforts to stay connected, God has today announced that, no matter what the vicar says, He will not be ‘all around you’, ‘with you in spirit’ or ‘there when you need Him’, due to Him self-isolating for a fortnight after Jesus developed a ‘dry cough and a temperature’ overnight.

Loo roll shortage- dogs giving classes on how to effectively wipe your arse on the carpet

Loo roll shortage: dogs giving classes on how to effectively wipe your arse on the carpet

March 21, 2020

Dogs have been at the centre of controversy today, after it was revealed that they are charging humans ‘extortionate fees’ to show them how to clean themselves ‘quickly and comfortably’ on even the roughest of carpets. Despite the claims that they are trying to make a quick profit from the current toilet roll crisis, the founder of the movement, an anonymous poodle who wanted only to be identified as Mr Dog, spoke to us earlier today.

'No offence taken,' says Trump as he orders nuclear strikes against UK, Canada and France

Concerns mount that Donald Trump might be as thick as shit

March 4, 2020

On Monday, the president repeatedly misunderstood drug company executive’s statements about plans to test possible Coronavirus vaccines and claimed that one could be ready in three to four months. Concerns are growing in the US that Donald Trump might be as thick as shit.