Health Secretary Matt Hancock has said that the risk of the Chinese Coronavirus entering the UK ‘remains low’. Fascist political organisation Britain First have ignored these reports, and said they are not taking any chances with a ‘foreign’ virus entering the country. Members of the party have been patrolling the coastlines of the country, armed with dettol wipes, spray bottles of cif, and water pistols full of Cillit bang.
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Trump rolls back water pollution controls after accidentally shitting in a river
January 24, 2020The Trump administration is set to scrap pollution protections for America’s streams and wetlands, after the president accidentally shat in a river.
Sainsbury’s boss quits after having made 10 times more in 6 years than shop floor staff make in their entire lives
January 23, 2020The boss retires after 6 years, having accumulated 10 times more non-bonus salary than the average shop floor employee will earn in their entire lives. It’s only fair really. Mr Coupe has done so much for the shop floor staff it’s untrue.
Coronavirus allowed to enter UK after passing Australian style, points-based system
January 23, 2020The UK is monitoring flights from China, as a precautionary measures after the spread of a new coronavirus from Wuhan. However, the coronavirus will be allowed to enter the UK after it qualified by passing an Australian style, points-based system for foreign entities.
‘Fuck the planet’ say Coca Cola
January 22, 2020Coca Cola will not ditch single use plastics. The firm’s head of sustainability, Bea Perez said, ‘Fuck the planet.’ She acknowledged that polar ice caps melting and bush fires in Australia are ‘inconvenient’ but said she couldn’t see how they are ‘worse than having a bottle without a screw top lid.’
Sex Ed and RE now compulsory in Wales – both classes to be taught by the local priest
January 22, 2020The Welsh government have decided to make sex education and religious education compulsory. The Church claims their Priests are the perfect fit for the job and are the most suitable people in society for the role.
Business as usual in Westminster as Boris’ Brexit deal gets defeated…again
January 21, 2020It was business as usual in Westminster as Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal was kicked into touch by the House of Lords. The government lost three votes in the Lords over its Brexit legislation.
‘Australian points style system is definitely the fairest’ say Aborigines
January 21, 2020The government says it will introduce an Australian-style points-based system by January 2021 to make immigration rules ‘more equal’. The system has been endorsed by Aboriginal tribes from Australia who described as ‘definitely the fairest way.’ One Aboriginal leader told reporters he initially had ‘reservations’ about the Australian system. But then a white man with money and power explained to him that ‘things are better this way’ and the system suddenly ‘made sense.’
Africa leads the way in equality, as a woman also made billions through corruption
January 20, 2020A spokesman for the African Congress said they were ‘extremely proud’ to break the mould with a corrupt female arsehole ripping off the state for her own personal gain instead of some filthy old man.
Unemployment figures rise again as London Firm announce two more job losses.
January 20, 2020No worries though for Diamond Geezer Harry Boy he’s already pimp..er touting his wife to Disney for voice overs of reboots of The Non-Aristocats..The Prince and The Pauper, plus the one all Hollywood is talking about the blockbuster of a movie made at a staggering cost of £2.4million… The Princess and The Frog-more Cottage.
