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‘I can confirm that a motion has been tabled that psychic means should be used to try and prevent Britain leaving the EU’ said Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow. ‘It’s quite clear to anyone with half a brain that attempting to stop Brexit using the transmission of information by extrasensory means is complete bollocks, but in the absence of any more sensible suggestions I propose we give it a try’.

Mr Farage speculated that European Council president Donald Tusk was probably the mastermind who came up with the idea of using robots. He explained: “About three weeks ago I saw Mr Tusk change the fuse on a computer plug, and he looked pretty damn handy to me.

The PM is reported to have breathed a huge sigh of relief, and returned to a pink fluffy robe that hasn’t been washed for three months. Curled up on her sofa, there is still speculation as to whether she’s watching ‘The Umbrella Academy or Orange is the New Black’.

Experts believe it is only a matter of time before Andrea Leadsom issues an apology saying that although she doesn’t actually know any LGBT people, she would be happy to meet with one of them, on the condition she can wear a full HazMat suit to avoid any potential contamination.

The official letter from the PM to Donald Tusk – in which Theresa May requests a delay to Brexit – was released yesterday. What no one saw, however, was Theresa’s own first draft – written before her PR team had realised what was going on. They thought they’d destroyed the original letter – but we’ve managed to get our hands on a copy.