“I have never felt so humiliated and embarrassed”, claimed the milkshake, “One minute I am contemplating bringing joy to someone, as a lactose based, sweet, beverage. Next minute, I’ve got the leader of the Brexit Party dripping all over me.”
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Milkshake industry sees surge in profits thanks to European elections.
May 20, 2019The Association of Milkshake Producers (TAMP) said the European election campaign has seen profits soar. A spokesman for TAMP said, ‘UKIP may have left a sour taste in many mouths, but for us it’s just the sweet taste of success.’
McDonald’s asked not to sell takeaway milkshakes during Farage rally. “Pelt him with something healthy and sustainable – like our new McRottenEggs”
May 19, 2019“McDonalds are proud to announce the launch of our new environmentally-friendly and sustainable products that are ideal for making political points. All of our products come with minimal packaging and a zero carbon footprint.” said a spokesman earlier today.
Mail on Sunday hugely disappoints republicans after promising to show picture of a Royal swinging on a rope.
May 19, 2019The delightful picture was taken by a palace aide last week as Kate took a playful break from putting finishing touches to the garden before the world-famous show opens on Tuesday. The picture has sparked off cries on Twitter for the editor of the Mail on Sunday to be sacked. “I don’t understand how this picture is any different to the one I tweeted,” said Danny Baker.
After 1 million fans petition to get GOT rewritten, the UK demands the last three years of its history also be remade
May 19, 2019Over 1 million fans have signed a Change.org petition complaining of rushed plots and inconsistent characters, demanding HBO re-do season 8 ‘with competent writers’ In a similar backlash, the UK is now demanding that the whole of the last three years of its history be rewritten.
“Whoops! I fucked a pig” – title of Cameron’s ‘frank and honest’ autobiography leaks to the press.
May 17, 2019The former PM will provide, for the first time, his perspective on the EU referendum and his views on the future of Britain’s place in the world in the light of Brexit “Don’t worry, I haven’t let the nation down… I also talk quite extensively about that time I had sex with that pig”.
Boris Johnson confirms leadership bid – promising to replace Tory Incompetence with Tory Buffoonery
May 16, 2019Boris Johnson has said he will run for the Conservative Party leadership after Theresa May stands down. The comments mark…
Alabama bans abortion. Old white men interfere with female bodies in the only way they can.
May 16, 2019The decision to ban abortion consisted of thirty-five white men over the age of 50. With one republican openly admitting “Boy, I haven’t been able to interfere with a female body in what feels like a lifetime…. it’s nice to regain some control.”
Nigel Farage Has Bought a Dragon and Intends to Raze Europe to the Ground
May 15, 2019Brexit leader for fags, real ale and no sense of irony, Nigel Farage, has taken the unprecedented step of buying a dragon and intends to torch Europe to smithereens.
Jeremy Kyle show cancelled for being a dreadful, exploitative crock of shite (+13 other reasons)
May 13, 2019ITV has suspended the Jeremy Kyle show. A spokesman claims this is because of a guest who died shortly after appearing on the show. But many are questioning whether this is indeed the whole story. And our man on the inside says it’s not. Here are the 13 real reasons the show was taken off air.
