Countries around the world are becoming jittery at the prospect of Mr Trump leaving the States and turning up on their borders begging for political asylum. In Germany Angela Merkel commented: “Usually I like to try to help refugees, however I think in this case it’s a ‘nein danke’ from me.”
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Conjoined twin girls who were joined at the head have been separated in ground-breaking surgery at Great Ormond Street Hospital. Medical Science will now perform miraculous new surgery to conjoin President Donald Trump and PM-elect Boris Johnson to see if a single entity makes any more sense than the nonsensical constituent parts.
“I’m sure Willy Wonka the rest of the Oompa-Loompas would welcome him back with open arms. At the end of the day, he’s a weird looking, self-obsessed creepy narcissist who couldn’t give a damn about the well-being of the children in his care, and so is Willy Wonka. They’ll get on like a house on fire.”
Sausage company Heck is facing a boycott after a visit from Borish Johnson. The former Foreign-Secretary said he was “insanely proud” to have a new sausage, Boris Bangers, named after him. Inspired by the backlash, a campaign was quickly set up begging the Uxbridge and South Ruislip MP to visit the offices of the Daily Mail in an attempt to decrease their circulation and eventually bring down the publication.