Health secretary Matt Hancock has tested positive for coronavirus. However, fears that other members of the cabinet may fall victim to the pandemic have been eased by Home Secretary Priti Patel bullying the virus as she took it’s dinner money, before giving it a wedgie.
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Coronavirus symptoms now confirmed to manifest in Arseholes
March 28, 2020Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. This has led the nation’s scientists to confirm that coronavirus symptoms can now infect more body parts than previously thought. Symptoms can be found primarily in the chest and lungs, but this is now proof that symptoms can also manifest in arseholes, no matter the size.
PM receives millions of “Get Well Soon” cards as Nation realises Raab could take over
March 27, 2020Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. And the Nation’s mood quickly changed from shock to fear as they realised that the person designated to take over from Mr Johnson is non-other than Dominic Raab.
Dominic Raab training like he’s in the Rocky montage
March 27, 2020Boris Johnson has tested positive for Covid-19. As such, ‘Designated Survivor’, Dominic Raab, has been training like he’s Rocky in that montage that everyone knows. You know, the one with the ‘dada daaaaaaa, dada daaaaaaaa’ music.
PM rejects EU offer of ventilators because he’s a massive bellend
March 27, 2020Boris Johnson has been accused of putting ‘Brexit before breathing’ after refusing the offer to take part in an EU scheme to get extra ventilators during the coronavirus outbreak. The news confirms what we were all thinking anyway; that the PM is a massive bellend.
Nation’s adulterers demand clarification on whether dogging classed as essential journey
March 27, 2020Prolific sex pest John Timms said “Given who’s in Number 10, I’m quietly confident he’ll be sympathetic to my commitment to extra-marital affairs, if my mistress and I let the spark go out just because of a potentially lethal virus then what’s the point of it all?”
Agoraphobes holding claustrophobes to ransom with sky-high prices for their single daily dose of leaving house
March 26, 2020The Conservative government has put measures in place to restrict everyone to ‘leave home once a day’, for exercise, essential shopping and going to a place of work, only if vital. However, these free-market, libertarian economic principles are allowing agoraphobics to demand sky high prices from claustrophobics for their single daily occurrence of getting out the house.
Prince Charles says fuck this for a game of thrones and kisses his mum…
March 26, 2020An insider said he hasn’t washed his hands in a week, has been high-fiving any crowd and disobeying social distancing. Last night he sneaked into Windsor Castle and had to be restrained when caught trying to kiss the Queen.
Sports Direct to close stores due to the spread of negative publicity
March 25, 2020Sports Direct has performed a U-turn on keeping its shops open during the coronavirus lockdown. In an address to the nation Mike Ashley said he is ‘acting swiftly’ to prevent the spread of negative publicity.
Bleak outlook for Harvest Festivals as Brits actually eat all their tinned shit
March 25, 2020Harvest Festivals across the country are predicted to struggle this autumn as the impact of Coronavirus lingers. With many Brits actually eating all the tinned shit in their cupboards, the outlook for gift boxes for the elderly looks fairly bleak.
