Countries around the world are becoming jittery at the prospect of Mr Trump leaving the States and turning up on their borders begging for political asylum. In Germany Angela Merkel commented: “Usually I like to try to help refugees, however I think in this case it’s a ‘nein danke’ from me.”
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Medical Science to conjoin Trump and Boris (to see if one single entity makes any more sense than constituent parts)
July 17, 2019Conjoined twin girls who were joined at the head have been separated in ground-breaking surgery at Great Ormond Street Hospital. Medical Science will now perform miraculous new surgery to conjoin President Donald Trump and PM-elect Boris Johnson to see if a single entity makes any more sense than the nonsensical constituent parts.
Trump’s racism “a bit much, even for us…” confirm an embarrassed KKK
July 16, 2019“The orange-faced muppet has taken it too far this time. We prefer our racism and right wing views to be more subtle and nuanced, you know, with burning crosses and a good lynching. But he’s crossed the line”
“We’ve put Turing on the £50 and now Homophobia is officially over!” says Theresa May
July 15, 2019“LGBT people are now safe from discrimination and we don’t need to mention things like chemical castration, or Section 28 and how I supported that act”.
Democrats tell Donald Trump to ‘go home’ to making chocolate for Willy Wonka
July 15, 2019“I’m sure Willy Wonka the rest of the Oompa-Loompas would welcome him back with open arms. At the end of the day, he’s a weird looking, self-obsessed creepy narcissist who couldn’t give a damn about the well-being of the children in his care, and so is Willy Wonka. They’ll get on like a house on fire.”
Labour Leadership outraged as Sunday Express give Farage credit for all their hard work.
July 14, 2019The Sunday Express led their article with the headline, “FARAGE PLAN TO WIPE OUT LABOUR”. Labour have raised a complaint against the Sunday Express with the Independent Press Standards Organisation as the paper was clearly giving Nigel Farage credit for all the Labour Leadership’s hard work.
Twitter trolls use site outage to swot up on spelling and grammar
July 12, 2019Large parts of Twitter went down on Thursday to consternation in the UK and America. The sites troll community have used the outage as an opportunity to swot up on their spelling and grammar.
Senior Civil Servants caught trying to escape Britain on sinking ship
July 10, 2019Boris Johnson spoke of his relief at finding the missing civil servants. “We’re pleased that everyone is safe and ready to get back to work. This Brexit problem won’t solve itself and we need a scapegoat. God forbid people actually hold me to account if things go tits up.”
Tommy Robinson holes up in Ecuadorian embassy while he waits to hear back from Trump
July 9, 2019“We haven’t got round to re-decorating the guest bedroom yet” a spokesperson for the embassy said. “After Mr Assange left we were going to turn it into a rumpus room with a pool table and jukebox, but when there’s a divisive political figure in need of a bed we’re just the girl who can’t say no!”.
After Boris’ ‘Heck’ visit sees Sausage boycott, Brits beg him to stop by the Daily Mail office
July 9, 2019Sausage company Heck is facing a boycott after a visit from Borish Johnson. The former Foreign-Secretary said he was “insanely proud” to have a new sausage, Boris Bangers, named after him. Inspired by the backlash, a campaign was quickly set up begging the Uxbridge and South Ruislip MP to visit the offices of the Daily Mail in an attempt to decrease their circulation and eventually bring down the publication.
