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Met Office issues weather warning. Snow poll results: 52% annoyed, 48% excited.

January 23, 2019

There are still many who think the wintry conditions are a wonderful excuse for a day of fun and relaxation. “It all looked a bit dicey outside so I just stayed in bed for a bit before going into the garden and building a crap snowman. Work’s just not important in the grand scheme of things,” said Prime Minister Theresa May. “That Brexit deal can wait!”

Prince Philip car crash latest: Revealed as new presenter of ‘Top Gear’

January 22, 2019

The victim of the car crash that saw Prince Philip overturn his Land Rover has suggested he should be prosecuted. Instead the BBC have taken the rather obvious step of making him the lead presenter of ‘Top Gear’. Creakingly old, inherently bigoted and being entirely funded by the public, this cheap reversal gag could apply to either the Queen’s husband or Top Gear.

Eels in the Thames ‘buzzing’ off the cocaine Londoners (literally) piss away. City’s Bankers immediately flock to the river in search of slippery new highs.

January 22, 2019

“We all laughed at that photo of the seal with the eel in his nose, didn’t we? But he knew what he was doing,” shouted one man, as he waded further into the water with eyes like disco balls and an eel dangling from each nostril. He was later witnessed screaming, “I’m the king of the world!” and pounding his chest like a gorilla, before eventually disappearing beneath the water – another victim of London’s pervasive eel culture.

Nike announces “smart” trainers that constantly adapt to your foot. Optional parental lock gives mum and dad the option literally ground their kids

Nike announces “smart” trainers that constantly adapt to your foot. Optional parental lock gives mum and dad the option to literally ground their kids.

January 18, 2019

Nike are planning to roll out this technology to the other products in its range: a sports vest that becomes tighter if you simply eat more food, tennis racquets that expand to an enormous size as unreachable shots come towards you and a headband that turns into a balaclava if your smartphone gyroscope detects you’re holding a sawn-off shotgun.