Health secretary Matt Hancock has tested positive for coronavirus. However, fears that other members of the cabinet may fall victim to the pandemic have been eased by Home Secretary Priti Patel bullying the virus as she took it’s dinner money, before giving it a wedgie.
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Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. This has led the nation’s scientists to confirm that coronavirus symptoms can now infect more body parts than previously thought. Symptoms can be found primarily in the chest and lungs, but this is now proof that symptoms can also manifest in arseholes, no matter the size.
The Conservative government has put measures in place to restrict everyone to ‘leave home once a day’, for exercise, essential shopping and going to a place of work, only if vital. However, these free-market, libertarian economic principles are allowing agoraphobics to demand sky high prices from claustrophobics for their single daily occurrence of getting out the house.