There are still many who think the wintry conditions are a wonderful excuse for a day of fun and relaxation. “It all looked a bit dicey outside so I just stayed in bed for a bit before going into the garden and building a crap snowman. Work’s just not important in the grand scheme of things,” said Prime Minister Theresa May. “That Brexit deal can wait!”
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Prince Philip car crash latest: Revealed as new presenter of ‘Top Gear’
January 22, 2019The victim of the car crash that saw Prince Philip overturn his Land Rover has suggested he should be prosecuted. Instead the BBC have taken the rather obvious step of making him the lead presenter of ‘Top Gear’. Creakingly old, inherently bigoted and being entirely funded by the public, this cheap reversal gag could apply to either the Queen’s husband or Top Gear.
Eels in the Thames ‘buzzing’ off the cocaine Londoners (literally) piss away. City’s Bankers immediately flock to the river in search of slippery new highs.
January 22, 2019“We all laughed at that photo of the seal with the eel in his nose, didn’t we? But he knew what he was doing,” shouted one man, as he waded further into the water with eyes like disco balls and an eel dangling from each nostril. He was later witnessed screaming, “I’m the king of the world!” and pounding his chest like a gorilla, before eventually disappearing beneath the water – another victim of London’s pervasive eel culture.
9 reasons Corbyn won’t be the next Prime Minister – no matter how badly Mrs May does.
January 22, 2019With Theresa May looking set to buckle under the Brexit pressure, you might think it was almost time for Jeremy to shine. But there are some pretty compelling reasons why Corbyn won’t end up being the next Prime Minister. Here are just 9 of them.
Theresa May pitches MPs her Plan B. Appears to be exactly the same as ‘Plan A’ but with ‘pretty, pretty please’ written after every line.
January 21, 2019MPs in the House of Commons are due to vote on any proposal next Tuesday, after the original plan was defeated last Tuesday by a record-breaking 230 votes. In its clever new guise, the new plan would be considered a successful if it is defeated by only 229 votes.
Fears that a blood moon is a sign of impending disaster are confirmed, as Gemma Collins remains in Dancing On Ice
January 21, 2019Generations of astronomers have repeatedly tried to rubbish the theory and dismiss it as ‘an old wives’ tale’. However last night (Sunday) boffins finally had to admit it was true when two seismic events took place on the same day – a blood red eclipse fell across the moon and Gemma Collins somehow managed to stay in Dancing On Ice.
Government tackles post-Brexit drugs shortage fears head on. By signing ‘confidence and supply’ deal with ‘Dodgy Darren’.
January 18, 2019The Government faced heavy criticism three weeks ago when it awarded a ferry contract to a company with no ships. Mr Whiz has pledged there will be no such problems with him. “I’ve got plenty of experience in supplying pharmaceuticals, and here’s the newspaper cuttings to prove it”.
Prince Philip crashes car in Norfolk. “It wasn’t my fault, blame the fox I was hunting” he says.
January 18, 2019An alternative theory is that Prince Philip had simply lost his way and become disoriented. Ironic, given that this is the man they named the Duke of Edinburgh Award after.
Nike announces “smart” trainers that constantly adapt to your foot. Optional parental lock gives mum and dad the option to literally ground their kids.
January 18, 2019Nike are planning to roll out this technology to the other products in its range: a sports vest that becomes tighter if you simply eat more food, tennis racquets that expand to an enormous size as unreachable shots come towards you and a headband that turns into a balaclava if your smartphone gyroscope detects you’re holding a sawn-off shotgun.
Speculation that the Queen could intervene over Brexit if Mrs May flounders. Her Majesty already lining up Sir Alex Ferguson to form a government and sort this sh*t out.
January 17, 2019While the Queen is always officially impartial, palace sources have suggested she’s keen to get this mess sorted out. “One has another great-grandchild due in April. And one would really appreciate it if Brexit was tidied up by then” – she almost certainly said.