An insider said he hasn’t washed his hands in a week, has been high-fiving any crowd and disobeying social distancing. Last night he sneaked into Windsor Castle and had to be restrained when caught trying to kiss the Queen.
The Royals
“Whatever happened to #bekind?” Wonders anonymous, sweat free, totally non-sex offending Prince
March 10, 2020“I’ve had to deal with some very hurtful rumours. People have called me a nonce, a letch, a kiddie-fiddler, a pedo and sweaty.” The mystery royal continued “It’s just a symptom of how we don’t associate people in the public eye with having feelings.”
Elton John to re-write ‘Candle in the Wind’ to mourn the death of Harry’s Royal status.
February 27, 2020Prince Harry has arrived in the UK for a last round of royal engagements. This comes with the news that pop Singer Elton John will be re-recording his classic hit ‘Candle in the Wind’ as a tribute to the death of Harry’s royal status.
Queen transfers ‘Sussex Royal’ title to new variety of potato
February 24, 2020Prince Harry and Meghan will not be using the Sussex Royal branding after spring, a spokeswoman for the couple has said. Her Majesty has decided the title would be ‘best suited’ for use as the name of a new variety of spuds.
Prince Andrew defers promotion to Admiral after admitting he’s done fuck all to deserve it
February 7, 2020The Duke of York has deferred a Navy-offered promotion to Admiral. He admitted he’s done absolutely fuck all to warrant such an honour.
‘Prince’ Andrew’s Pizza refuses to co-operate with the FBI
January 28, 2020The Pizza the ‘Duke’ of York claims to have met with (at a branch of Pizza Express in Woking) on the evening he was accused of meeting teenager Virginia Giuffre (formally Roberts) at the house of Ghislaine Maxwell, has also refused to cooperate with the Federal Bureau of Intelligence.
Prince Andrew explodes in torrent of 20 years of sweat hearing FBI wish to question him.
January 28, 2020After being informed by aides, the Prince exploded into a torrent of sweat that had remained inside him for over 20 years, with the news that the FBI wanted to question him finally being the breaking point to his decades long drought of perspiration.
Queen gives Prince William new title of ‘Favourite Grandson’
January 27, 2020In a statement The Queen said, ‘Henceforth, the talented and handsome Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, second heir to the throne, dedicated air ambulance pilot and all round top bloke, will be known as “Favourite Grandson” and will be entitled to wealth and riches worthy of someone who isn’t a turncoat and a traitor to his royal roots.’
Queen misses annual WI meeting as she ‘can’t be arsed’
January 24, 2020The Queen has missed her annual date with her local Women’s Institute. The monarch sent a message to the WI Whatsapp group saying she ‘couldn’t be arsed’ this year.
Mail on Sunday forks out £500,000 for Big Ben Megxit Celebration
January 21, 2020The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are to step back from Royal duties with almost immediate effect In reaction, the weekend children’s publication, ‘The Mail on Sunday’ has immediately thrown in £500,000 to the restoration program of Big Ben in order that its readers can celebrate Megxit in style, with a full round of the Westminster Chimes to coincide with the moment The Duke of Sussex’s plane touching down in Canada.
