Video footage of the vehicle rampaging through the newly built Travelodge in Liverpool has gone viral. It’s been estimated that up to £500,000 worth of damage was caused. “Half a mill? That’s outrageous,” spluttered the astonished prince. “The women in the last smash up just asked for a bunch of flowers and an apology. I didn’t give it to them of course.”
The Royals
Prince Philip car crash latest: Revealed as new presenter of ‘Top Gear’
January 22, 2019The victim of the car crash that saw Prince Philip overturn his Land Rover has suggested he should be prosecuted. Instead the BBC have taken the rather obvious step of making him the lead presenter of ‘Top Gear’. Creakingly old, inherently bigoted and being entirely funded by the public, this cheap reversal gag could apply to either the Queen’s husband or Top Gear.
Prince Philip seen driving again two days after crash. Officials dust off that State Funeral plan. Just in case.
January 19, 2019Details of the Duke’s funeral are being kept a closely guarded secret, although there are rumours that the funeral procession will pay tribute to his driving skills with the coffin being propelled at force into the church on its side and on fire.
Prince Philip crashes car in Norfolk. “It wasn’t my fault, blame the fox I was hunting” he says.
January 18, 2019An alternative theory is that Prince Philip had simply lost his way and become disoriented. Ironic, given that this is the man they named the Duke of Edinburgh Award after.
Prince Charles advertises for new assistant. Primary task: hourly calls to Buckingham Palace to see if the Queen’s abdicated yet.
January 5, 2019They must also have the ability to eat a Duchy biscuit without grimacing, or spitting it out – because the Prince is highly sensitive to any criticism of his famously bland yet staggeringly expensive oatcakes.
Funeral held for Angry Bob the amorous Swan. Queen refuses to attend, sparking rumours of a rift.
January 4, 2019The Queen is said to own all the swans in England but it is clear by her absence that her and Bob never saw eye to eye. Bob was a ‘grumpy swan’ who ‘spurned multiple potential love interests’. Could it be that her majesty counts herself among them?!
Prince Philip absent from Christmas Day service. Confirming rumours he can’t enter a church without catching fire.
December 26, 2018There was also no sign of the rumoured discord between Kate and Meghan, although there have been unconfirmed reports from staff at Sandringham that there was the ‘mother of all festive bitch-fights’ in a drawing room within hours of the service, proving that maybe the Royals are just like the rest of us when it comes to the annual festive punch-up – fuelled by gin and a year of bitterness.
Is Meghan Markle pregnant with twins, or is it just one child and a big dinner?
December 8, 2018Research shows that women over 35 (like Meghan) have a slightly higher chance of having twins. If you’re looking for stats though, it’s also 84% likely the duchess had just tucked into a feast of roasted pauper in swan gravy – which could explain her expanded figure.