After an epic weekend of sport, men all over the country prepare to return to work to talk bollocks about sports they know fuck all about and wax lyrical about sportsmen that until the weekend they’d never heard of.
A Hollywood spokesperson explained “The problem is there aren’t any female actors that can play football nor are there any women footballers that can act so it’s their fault really.” Early rumours suggest that Dwayne Johnson will play Ellen White, Johnny Depp will play Captain Steph Houghton and Daniel Radcliffe will go in goal.
The news comes days after a video was released by the French presidency showed Ms Trump attempting to butt into a conversation between Theresa May, Emmanuel Macron and Christine Lagarde, the head of the International Monetary Fund, at the recent G20 summit. Making it the first time at a gathering of world leaders in which Theresa May wasn’t considered the most ineffective person in the room.
Ms Miraflores was under the impression she was to care for the footballer’s two young daughters but was shocked to discover she was expected to look after him as well. Something that she became painfully aware of when he approached her in a dinosaur decorated romper suit to tell her he had ‘made whoopsie’.
“Unfortunately for Caster, qualities of integrity, honesty and clean lifestyle, are totally at odds with becoming the leader of the Tory Party. Her participation would only go to dilute the amazing cesspool sleaze, hypocrisy and corruption currently contending this contest.” said 1922 committee chairman Sir Graham Brady.