Sport

Boris Johnson orders England to throw the Ashes to secure future trade deal with Australia

Boris Johnson orders England to throw the Ashes to secure future trade deal with Australia

August 24, 2019

Leaked documents found in captain Joe Root’s helmet reveal that Boris Johnson had encouraged the England team to “valiantly defend their wicket in the manner of the Romans at the battle of Cannae”. We asked a Classics Professor what the heck Johnson was waffling on about and he said “basically the Romans got the shit kicked out of them at Cannae”.
It has been revealed that this collapse was under the express orders of Prime Minister Boris Johnson so that the United Kingdom can secure a more favourable trade deal with Australia after Brexit. 

Chelsea Football Club apologise for being Chelsea

Chelsea Football Club apologise for being Chelsea

August 7, 2019

Today. Chelsea Football Club have apologised for historical (and shameful) cover ups, of criminal offenses in their past. But equally….. They have also apologised for just being Chelsea Football Club. Especially since 2003.

Chelsea fan offered advisory role with UKIP after lifetime ban for racist abuse

Chelsea fan offered advisory role with UKIP after lifetime ban for racist abuse

July 31, 2019

Chelsea conducted an investigation and said they had delayed reaching their decision so as not to prejudice a police inquiry into the matter. But the UKIP leader, who cannot be named for the reason that nobody can remember who he is, said the news had come at the ‘ideal time’ for the party as their previous advisor, Tommy Robinson, is currently a Her Majesty’s pleasure – and at the pleasure of Big Dave on B Wing.