An inscrutable spokesperson for the Chinese telecoms giant, Won Hung Lo, said, “We are not in the least bothered by this government’s decision to postpone. It makes sense. It hasn’t been easy dealing with the UK with all this Brexit nonsense. But we’re prepared to bide our time. Once the election is over it will be much clearer for us. We will know for certain who we have to bung.”
When Watson was approached for a comment he was adamant that the fatty-shite was nothing to do with him. “If you’re looking for its owner, answer me this,” snapped Watson, “When did anyone last see Eric Pickles?”
Kicking the wheel of the plane, Boeing boss Dennis Muilenburg said, ‘Yeah I reckon we’ll get it off the ground. I mean it’s got wings so it’s bound to fly innit? If not, we’ll just run it off a cliff and see what happens. And once we get it in the air I reckon it’ll probably get there. ’
Drivers of zero-emission vehicles could be given green number plates to make it easier for them to benefit from schemes designed to promote cleaner cars.“This is terrific news,” said a spokesman for a caravan of new age car-stealing crusties, Dreadlock Stig,
The government has dropped a plan to introduce a controversial ‘porn blocker’ scheme in the UK. The decision comes after research revealed that cabinet members are some of the biggest wankers in the country.
A new facial recognition service launched by the Home Office has refused to work with people that have darker skin.
PM, Boris Johnson, has opened a Snapchat account. This appears to be yet another smokescreen from the Prime Minister to ‘paper over’ previous outrageous behaviour, particularly on dating platform Tinder.
Sir David Attenborough, the only person left in the whole world that everyone trusts, got drunk and changed his name to Boaty McBoatface by deed pole yesterday.
Johnson derided the fair use policy and said he’d download as much as he flipping well liked. The PM continued, “I say the Apple terms and conditions are entirely wrong.
When approached for comment about why, specifically, he hated Thunberg so much Timms asked, several times, if this correspondent could buy him a birthday drink to discuss it further. When it was revealed I was washing my hair and couldn’t attend, a dejected Timms could be heard humming happy birthday to himself while posted a wildly oscillating update claiming Thunberg “Hates men and freedom of speech and needs to shup up!”
