On the very same day that the 40 year old Voyager 2 probe reached interstellar space, the 6 month old Parker Solar Probe went the other way – making its first close approach towards our sun. Enduring temperatures greater than a million degrees Fahrenheit while being bombarded with intense sun light. The craft was able to withstand the unbearable temperatures by simply winding down a window.
Science and Tech
NHS “too reliant” on Fax Machines. Requests to ‘pass the scalpel’ or ‘apply pressure’ must now be sent via text instead.
December 10, 2018The machines play a fundamental role in surgery – with requests to ‘pass the scalpel’ or ‘apply pressure’ traditionally sent via fax. Surgeons say this ensures messages are relayed without ambiguity as verbal cues tend to be muffled by surgical masks – which can be problematic. One consultant recalled asking an assistant, ‘Did you just fart?’ on a day when the fax machine happened to be out of order. They responded by immediately removing the patient’s heart.
Love them or hate them, scientists may have finally solved the great mystery of the universe’s dark matter.
December 8, 2018A new theory suggests that 95 percent of the universe is filled with a weird “dark fluid.” Whilst some scientist are very enthusiastic over this dark liquid theory, others are very sceptical. Which just adds to the evidence it’s Marmite.
Designer babies given go-ahead. Top non-parent request: invisible kids, to stop your smug oversharing.
July 17, 2018Is it also possible to make a child that doesn’t show up in photos? Then maybe our friends won’t show us two and a half thousand of the bastards on a daily basis… Also, if we’re going to start playing god how about changing the DNA of vegans so they’re not genetically inclined to mention it every five fucking minutes.
New Health Secretary backs ‘GP at Hand’ App. Works like Tinder – if the doctor swipes right, you live.
July 12, 2018It was revealed today that new Health Secretary Matt Hancock – the man who’s meant to be fighting for our NHS tooth and nail – doesn’t even have his own doctor…! Rumours are that he did once try to sign up at his local GP, but failed the medical when they couldn’t find a heartbeat.
Bug causes Samsung phones to send private photos to random contacts. (That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it…)
July 4, 2018Not content with making smartphones that blew up when you least expected them to, Samsung now seem to have made a smartphone that sends your photographs your contacts – seemingly at random. Photos like the one below – which we received earlier today from Esther Rantzen’s next door neighbour…
Diagnostic ‘Smart Loo’ so smart, it decides to stop being shat on, and starts driving for Uber.
July 2, 2018Soon we might not even need to visit our GPs at all – because scientists have developed a ‘Smart Loo’ that sifts through your waste and can tell if you’re ill. Not sure how ‘smart’ any device is if it’s chosen to sit there and get covered in piss and shit.
“Stop patients rating our sexiness” says Dr Zoe Greaves, 7 out of 10
June 28, 2018Doctors have called for sanctions against patients who rate their attractiveness on social media – saying it’s offensive and intrusive. Leading the charge is Dr Zoe Greaves – a smoking hot brunette who we’d say is a solid 7 out of 10.
Google, when will I die? Princess Di was also known as the Princess of Wales…
June 21, 2018Google can now predict the time of a person’s death with greater accuracy than doctors. The search firm’s “Magic Brain” team used a form of AI to work out whether hospital patients were likely to die, remain for over a week, or be admitted again less than 30 days after being discharged…