This research was supposed to be confidential but it was impossible to keep it secret in a lab that contained both a rat and a grass.
Science and Tech
Early heatwave may be delayed due to Brexit red-tape
March 25, 2019Weather experts are predicting a three-month heatwave next month that could see temperatures climb to 26 degrees as a warm front drifts in from Africa.
But, in order for it get to the UK it must pass over Northern Europe which could spell a disaster as it is held up in Brexit red-tape.
Space-Herpes is actually a thing. But Space-Man-Flu is 10 times worse.
March 19, 2019The study analyses reports of male astronauts frequently complaining of “not being able to get up” and needing to “just lie down” despite being weightless and in the absence of gravity technically always lying down.
Japanese mathematician breaks pi world record. By turning her piece of paper on its side.
March 15, 2019Emma Haruka Iwao from Japan has been a Google employee for three years. But she took time out of monitoring ordinary people’s use of the internet, to write loads and loads of extra digits, which we all just have to assume are right because nobody else has time in their life to check it.
First ever All-Female spacewalk announced. “Well, the ISS won’t clean itself” explains Nasa’s forward-thinking ‘Head of Man Stuff’.
March 14, 2019“Obviously, we couldn’t let the girls fly there on their own, who knows what state the shuttle would come back in.” Laughs a NASA spokesMAN, “Plus there was the whole issue with docking. We all know women can’t park, am I right!”
Virgin Galactic completes successful test flight. Crew confirm Richard Branson’s ego can be seen from space
February 25, 2019This second test flight comes two months after the first was undertaken, meaning that Virgin Galactic is already a more regular and reliable service than most of the Virgin rail network in the UK.
Samsung unveils Galaxy Fold phone. And Galaxy Scrunch for those who prefer that method
February 23, 2019The Galaxy Scrunch won’t open up any bigger than it already is, but Samsung have assured potential buyers that in the ‘scrunched up’ state, the phone will no longer be lost down between sofa cushions, and the roundness of it’s shape will result in the phone bouncing when dropped, reducing the number of breakages.
World’s largest bee rediscovered. Already on Bumble – and having even worse luck than you.
February 22, 2019The bee, who can’t be named for legal reasons, didn’t attract a single date. Although with a bio written by scientists that’s hardly surprising.
“We can literally make any old bollocks up and you’ll believe us” says astronomist.
February 21, 2019“An asteroid the size of Big Ben is expected to skim past earth later on tonight” says a spokesperson for NASA” But, equally I could tell you that a dozen space monkeys were going to cartwheel passed Jupiter and you’d be none the wiser.” He went on to tell The NewsDump “It’s because I have a massive telescope and you don’t, so I can make any old shit up and you have no choice but to believe me.”
London Zoo shares collection of x-rays. Those from the ‘Commons Enclosure’ definitive proof that political animals rarely have spines.
February 18, 2019In the tank, staying afloat but only just – the venomous Sting May. She appears to have a cast-iron stomach, which explains how she can consume vast quantities of mouldy jam without repercussion. Unfortunately for a creature so prone to making herself look stupid, she appears unable to swallow her pride.
