US Politics

Trump looking forward to meeting Kim Jong Un for the second time. It's the only time his tiny baby hands look big

Trump “looking forward” to meeting Kim Jong Un for the second time. It’s the only time his tiny baby hands ever look normal.

January 21, 2019

This time around the pair won’t be talking about nuclear disarmament. Trump’s just looking for some advice on how to get his own government back in line and end the current shutdown. Kim Jong Un is the leading expert on how to handle shutdowns – having shut down freedom of speech, freedom of movement, and freedom of the thoughts you have when you’re just drifting off to sleep but feel you might need the loo.

As shutdown leaves White House with no catering staff, Trump orders in enough McDonalds to feed 5,000. Instantly proclaims miracle, and declares himself better than Jesus

As shutdown leaves White House with no catering staff, Trump orders in enough McDonald’s to feed 5000. Instantly proclaims miracle, and declares himself better than Jesus.

January 16, 2019

He welcomed the winners of the national college football championship, the Clemson Tigers, with more than 300 burgers as well as fries and pizzas. Trump shared images with his followers, making note that he had millions more than Jesus ever had and that the son of God’s social media presence was ‘sad, like really sad’.

“Wheels came before walls” says Trump.  “God invented them, and the next day he built a wall around the Garden of Eden to keep those damn Mexicans out”.

January 12, 2019

Trump then continued his rambling speech by talking about the expensive cars that the Secret Service use and the wheels on those vehicles. No-one is quite sure how long he spoke for, as something more relevant and interesting began happening while the President was speaking. A full report on that paint drying will be published shortly.