After her Brexit deal was rejected by the commons, Theresa May was given until today – Monday 21st Jan – to come up with a brand new solution. Here are just a handful of the excuses MPs are likely to hear later today.
She’s meeting with as many MPs as she can in the meantime. She’s effectively speed dating. But whereas a regular singleton might be looking for ‘the one’, Mrs May is just looking for ‘anyone’. Anyone to back her new plan Bonus points if they’ve got any ideas as to what that new plan should entail – because she’s stumped.
The Italian government is preparing a gastronomic repatriation scheme – because of the sheer number of Italian chefs who face the prospect of losing jobs in UK restaurants and being sent home Penne-less. Germany has finally developed a national sense of humour – after two years watching the incompetence of the British administration, they now understand the meaning of the word ‘joke’.
Theresa May narrowly survived the vote of no confidence – and now has less than a week to come up with a plan for a problem she couldn’t fix when she had two years. That brings the post-apocalyptic, post-Brexit dystopian future that we’ve all been joking about one huge step closer to becoming a reality. But it’s not all doom and gloom.
Unless the PM finds yet another way to delay the inevitable, today’s the day that MPs will finally get to vote on her controversial Brexit deal. She postponed last time because she knew she’d lose. This time, she claims to be more confident. Which means she must’ve finally found a way to keep those naughty little scamps in line. And we’ve managed to obtain a leaked document detailing her strategy.
Troops deployed in Middle England are being equipped for urban combat with MG42 Dysons to keep hallways spick and span, and Centurion sewing machines for fixing the hems of any observed fraying curtains. Their training will include ‘how to read the Daily Mail from cover to cover’, and ‘being just the right amount of racist to be able to fit in’.