UK Politics

Theresa May on First Dates 2

Theresa May has just 3 days to come up with a plan Parliament will accept. Begins speed dating MPs to try and find ‘the one’ (anyone) who’ll back her.

January 18, 2019

She’s meeting with as many MPs as she can in the meantime. She’s effectively speed dating. But whereas a regular singleton might be looking for ‘the one’, Mrs May is just looking for ‘anyone’. Anyone to back her new plan Bonus points if they’ve got any ideas as to what that new plan should entail – because she’s stumped.

7 reasons other EU countries definitely give a shit about Brexit

January 18, 2019

The Italian government is preparing a gastronomic repatriation scheme – because of the sheer number of Italian chefs who face the prospect of losing jobs in UK restaurants and being sent home Penne-less. Germany has finally developed a national sense of humour – after two years watching the incompetence of the British administration, they now understand the meaning of the word ‘joke’.

Reasons Post-Apocalyptic Post-Brexit Britain will be Great

7 reasons why life in post-Brexit, post-apocalyptic dystopian Britain is still going to be GREAT. (Number 3 will… well, number 3 will basically just function as adequate clickbait. Read the article – it’s full of jokes!)

January 17, 2019

Theresa May narrowly survived the vote of no confidence – and now has less than a week to come up with a plan for a problem she couldn’t fix when she had two years. That brings the post-apocalyptic, post-Brexit dystopian future that we’ve all been joking about one huge step closer to becoming a reality. But it’s not all doom and gloom.

10 things to say to keep those naughty MPs in line. “Right – that’s it – we’re leaving the EU without you!!”

January 15, 2019

Unless the PM finds yet another way to delay the inevitable, today’s the day that MPs will finally get to vote on her controversial Brexit deal. She postponed last time because she knew she’d lose. This time, she claims to be more confident.  Which means she must’ve finally found a way to keep those naughty little scamps in line. And we’ve managed to obtain a leaked document detailing her strategy.

Army to be deployed in the case of ‘No Deal’ Brexit. To pop the kettle on, and tell us it’s all going to be ok.

January 13, 2019

Troops deployed in Middle England are being equipped for urban combat with MG42 Dysons to keep hallways spick and span, and Centurion sewing machines for fixing the hems of any observed fraying curtains. Their training will include ‘how to read the Daily Mail from cover to cover’, and ‘being just the right amount of racist to be able to fit in’.