UK Politics

‘Tories face extinction’ warns Boris – so he joins Extinction Rebellion and glues his buttocks to door of 10 Downing Street

‘Tories face extinction’ warns Boris – so he joins Extinction Rebellion and glues his buttocks to door of 10 Downing Street

June 6, 2019

Boris Johnson – the man who was too fucking useless to be Foreign Secretary but who now wants to be Prime Minister – has told a Tory leadership hustings that their party won’t be forgiven if they don’t deliver Brexit and that they face ‘potential extinction.’ He has therefore appropriated the methods and rhetoric of climate change protestors and glued himself to Number 10 until he’s bloody well made Prime Minister and allowed to implement a jolly sensible no-deal Brexit.

Gove says Brexit deadline is not binding because, time and space are just like, concepts, man.

Gove says Brexit deadline is not binding because, “time and space are just like, concepts, man.”

June 6, 2019

“The social constructs of calendars, dates times are all illusions we have woven for ourselves, you know?” said Mr. Gove at a press conference. He appeared unfocused and mellow and his remarks lasted just over 4 hours. “What you say is Monday, might not be the same as what I say is Monday, yeah? It’s like… Monday could be Tuesday. Do you see what I’m saying? Monday could BE Tuesday, guys!”

Banksy’s Summer Exhibition piece to stand in Peterborough by-election

Banksy’s Summer Exhibition piece to stand in Peterborough by-election 

June 6, 2019

“Whereas last year’s work was a static artwork on display temporarily, this year’s submission will be a fluid artistic process culminating in the permanent installation of a Member of Parliament; the physical embodiment of a one-word repetitive political philosophy: Brexit. I could have called the piece Rhubarb, but that’s been done.”

Donald Trump refuses to meet with Milkshake

June 6, 2019

“Typical”, responded the Milkshake, “Milkshakes have been treated appalling in this country for the past month, being thrown over all manner of obscure right-wing politicians. It’s about high time the President woke up to our plight and listened, before this becomes an international issue”

6 Change UK MPs defect to form Russian Doll Party

Change UK MPs defect to form Russian Doll Party

June 5, 2019

‘From the outset the intention was for the party to get gradually smaller until all that’s left is a small wooden lady in traditional dress. She’ll be small and squat with a good covering of varnish and one might describe her as strong and stable. A bit like Theresa May but with more personality and better rhythm.’

Katie Price pumped full of Helium floats over Parliament Square launching obscenities at Trump

Katie Price pumped full of Helium floats over Parliament Square launching obscenities at Trump

June 5, 2019

A large demonstration was held in central London featuring guest speakers, a talking robot Donald sat on a toilet and the return of the Donald man-baby blimp. Although the robot and life-size blimp were very eye-catching, the star of the demonstration outside Parliament Square was Katie Price, who agreed to vent the public’s frustrations over the president’s ‘dangerous and divisive politics’ on the public’s behalf.