Boris Johnson – the man who was too fucking useless to be Foreign Secretary but who now wants to be Prime Minister – has told a Tory leadership hustings that their party won’t be forgiven if they don’t deliver Brexit and that they face ‘potential extinction.’ He has therefore appropriated the methods and rhetoric of climate change protestors and glued himself to Number 10 until he’s bloody well made Prime Minister and allowed to implement a jolly sensible no-deal Brexit.
4% of the 50 people in line for the throne are American citizens. And Donald Trump has put in an offer to purchase the remaining 96%. The deal would see Buckingham Place replaced by a UK Trump Tower with the old building being taken apart brick by brick and rebuilt as a garden house for his Seven Springs mansion in New York.
“The social constructs of calendars, dates times are all illusions we have woven for ourselves, you know?” said Mr. Gove at a press conference. He appeared unfocused and mellow and his remarks lasted just over 4 hours. “What you say is Monday, might not be the same as what I say is Monday, yeah? It’s like… Monday could be Tuesday. Do you see what I’m saying? Monday could BE Tuesday, guys!”
“Whereas last year’s work was a static artwork on display temporarily, this year’s submission will be a fluid artistic process culminating in the permanent installation of a Member of Parliament; the physical embodiment of a one-word repetitive political philosophy: Brexit. I could have called the piece Rhubarb, but that’s been done.”
The Conservatives have agreed changes designed to speed up the contest to succeed Theresa May as leader. Early suggestions for the qualifying criteria ranged from having to submit tax returns – which no Tory MP has done… ever, all the way to disdain for the poor – but that didn’t narrow it down to anyone.
‘From the outset the intention was for the party to get gradually smaller until all that’s left is a small wooden lady in traditional dress. She’ll be small and squat with a good covering of varnish and one might describe her as strong and stable. A bit like Theresa May but with more personality and better rhythm.’
A large demonstration was held in central London featuring guest speakers, a talking robot Donald sat on a toilet and the return of the Donald man-baby blimp. Although the robot and life-size blimp were very eye-catching, the star of the demonstration outside Parliament Square was Katie Price, who agreed to vent the public’s frustrations over the president’s ‘dangerous and divisive politics’ on the public’s behalf.