The Government faced heavy criticism three weeks ago when it awarded a ferry contract to a company with no ships. Mr Whiz has pledged there will be no such problems with him. “I’ve got plenty of experience in supplying pharmaceuticals, and here’s the newspaper cuttings to prove it”.
The Italian government is preparing a gastronomic repatriation scheme – because of the sheer number of Italian chefs who face the prospect of losing jobs in UK restaurants and being sent home Penne-less. Germany has finally developed a national sense of humour – after two years watching the incompetence of the British administration, they now understand the meaning of the word ‘joke’.
Theresa May narrowly survived the vote of no confidence – and now has less than a week to come up with a plan for a problem she couldn’t fix when she had two years. That brings the post-apocalyptic, post-Brexit dystopian future that we’ve all been joking about one huge step closer to becoming a reality. But it’s not all doom and gloom.
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has refused to join talks unless the threat of a no-deal exit is ruled out. Hang on, isn’t that just the sort of thing he should be talking to the Prime Minister about? Instead, Corbyn has chosen to lock himself in the bathroom, hoping that Theresa May starts knocking on the door saying, “Come downstairs Jeremy, I’ve made you your favourite – bland, colourless chicken with the spine removed.”
He welcomed the winners of the national college football championship, the Clemson Tigers, with more than 300 burgers as well as fries and pizzas. Trump shared images with his followers, making note that he had millions more than Jesus ever had and that the son of God’s social media presence was ‘sad, like really sad’.
Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit deal has been rejected by 230 votes. Humiliated and in tears, the deal immediately fled the Parliamentary estate, went straight to the nearest Sainsbury’s Local and stocked up on several large tubs of ice cream. However, all the flavours somehow reminded it of the terrible mess of Brexit…