UK Politics

Labour to table motion of no confidence in PM after she postponed wrapping Christmas presents for fear of losing end of sellotape

December 17, 2018

MPs will note vote on the UK’s Brexit deal until the week beginning 14 January. The Prime Minister is hoping to take advantage of the abject misery of January by taking a tub of Celebrations into the Commons in a bid to win votes. The carefully planned strategy is for Mrs May to enter the House smiling and saying “Help yourself to a choccie everyone.” Members will then consider her “Not a bad sort after all” and support her shitty deal.

Tony Blair calls on May to ‘switch course’ on Brexit. “Make ME the frictionless Irish border”, says Teflon Tony.

December 15, 2018

“It’s not about me” explained Tony in an interview, as he selflessly offered to heal the wound that is Brexit. “The good people of Ireland and the UK know I can deliver. Look at the Good Friday Agreement, it wasn’t named the Bad Friday Agreement, was it? I can be any kind of border that’s needed: hard, soft, frictionless, transparent, hard again.”

Britons will be charged €7 every 3 years to visit the EU. The same cost as a piss-poor pint in a London pub.

December 14, 2018

The ETIAS (European Travel Information and Authorization System) is expected to come into force in 2021. By which point most Britons will be too heavily engaged in fighting with friends and families over the last tin of mushy peas in the local convenience store and struggling to remember what electricity used to be like to take advantage of what is actually pretty good value for money.

Tories slammed for choosing Food Bank selfies over actual solutions. Govt fix: “Good Food Bank Guide” to boost competition and increase prices.

December 14, 2018

The think tank’s finance guru Scrooge McDuck adds: “Eventually, our hope is that these for banks stop being so dependent on donations – and become proper, profitable businesses. Ones that don’t need our help! Once Brexit’s tanked the rest of the economy, we expect privatised, for-profit food banks to become the fastest growing sector for the UK”.

Jacob Rees-Mogg shows his true colours. Black and White. Outed as dastardly devious silent movie villain

December 13, 2018

He may have been masquerading as a sheltered aristocrat desperate to send us all back to the 1800s – but he is, in fact, a dastardly devious ye olde silent movie villain. our source has explained the real reason he’s so keen for her to go and see the Queen. He’s set a series of poorly-placed traps between Downing Street and Buckingham Palace. If that fails, he’s got one last trick up his sleeve. He plans to kidnap the Prime Minister and tie her to a railway line in front of a fast, moving train.

ECJ: Brexit can easily be cancelled. Just privatise the process and hand the franchise to Southern Rail.

December 11, 2018

All the government needs to do is privatise the Brexit process, and hand the contract to Southern Rail – who’ve been expertly cancelling anything and everything in sight for years. The franchise’s commuters, who are increasingly taking both a tent and canned goods on their trips to work, have unanimously backed the suggestion – insisting that Southern Rail really are experts in such matters.