Number 10 insider John Timms claimed that to deter immigration they’d worn their heart on their sleeve by electing Boris Johnson “We want moving to the UK to make as much sense as investing in a balloon animal stall managed by Edward Scissorhands.”
The blues have come up with a rather novel approach to immigration. All immigrants are to be sawn in half on arrival in the UK thus halving immigration. This has immediately been criticised by the right as it will double the number of immigrants. But the Conservative centre allay these fears by pointing out that sawing in half is, in most cases, fatal.
A Doncaster pensioner cut off by flooding after days of torrential rain has been visited by a succession of parliamentary candidates but is still waiting to be reached by the emergency services. Retired farmer Stanley Thomson has been trapped on the first floor of his house on the outskirts of town since the weekend.