When Theresa May was asked if her comments about Tony Blair were an attempt to distract the public from how badly Brexit was going, she replied, “Oh look, a squirrel!”
“It’s not about me” explained Tony in an interview, as he selflessly offered to heal the wound that is Brexit. “The good people of Ireland and the UK know I can deliver. Look at the Good Friday Agreement, it wasn’t named the Bad Friday Agreement, was it? I can be any kind of border that’s needed: hard, soft, frictionless, transparent, hard again.”
The ETIAS (European Travel Information and Authorization System) is expected to come into force in 2021. By which point most Britons will be too heavily engaged in fighting with friends and families over the last tin of mushy peas in the local convenience store and struggling to remember what electricity used to be like to take advantage of what is actually pretty good value for money.
The think tank’s finance guru Scrooge McDuck adds: “Eventually, our hope is that these for banks stop being so dependent on donations – and become proper, profitable businesses. Ones that don’t need our help! Once Brexit’s tanked the rest of the economy, we expect privatised, for-profit food banks to become the fastest growing sector for the UK”.
He may have been masquerading as a sheltered aristocrat desperate to send us all back to the 1800s – but he is, in fact, a dastardly devious ye olde silent movie villain. our source has explained the real reason he’s so keen for her to go and see the Queen. He’s set a series of poorly-placed traps between Downing Street and Buckingham Palace. If that fails, he’s got one last trick up his sleeve. He plans to kidnap the Prime Minister and tie her to a railway line in front of a fast, moving train.
As the requisite number of satirical articles have been posted to trigger a vote of no-confidence in the leader of the Conservative party, tonight 315 Tory MPs will vote secretly to decide what they’ve already told journalists; whether they have confidence in Theresa May’s ability to continue trying to walk through a brick wall.
All the government needs to do is privatise the Brexit process, and hand the contract to Southern Rail – who’ve been expertly cancelling anything and everything in sight for years. The franchise’s commuters, who are increasingly taking both a tent and canned goods on their trips to work, have unanimously backed the suggestion – insisting that Southern Rail really are experts in such matters.
The Prime Minister is meeting Dutch counterpart Mark Rutte for breakfast in the Hague, before having lunch with Angela Merkel in Berlin, then heading for Brussels for discussions with Donald Tusk and Jean-Claude Juncker over dinner. “Can you imaging trying to do this without freedom of movement?”, she is reported to have said on the train to Berlin, with a chuckle.