Dyson to move HQ to Singapore. ‘Nothing to do with Brexit’, insists founder famous for making things that really, really, suck.

January 23, 2019

The move by the appliance maker means two executives will relocate – chief financial officer Jorn Jensen and chief technical officer Martin Bowen. The company had insisted that no jobs will be lost. Although given that Dyson products are manufactured in Malaysia, the only jobs still based in the UK are those of Sir James Dyson’s housekeeper – an elderly lady on minimum wage called Mabel – and a guard dog called Winston.

Trump looking forward to meeting Kim Jong Un for the second time. It's the only time his tiny baby hands look big

Trump “looking forward” to meeting Kim Jong Un for the second time. It’s the only time his tiny baby hands ever look normal.

January 21, 2019

This time around the pair won’t be talking about nuclear disarmament. Trump’s just looking for some advice on how to get his own government back in line and end the current shutdown. Kim Jong Un is the leading expert on how to handle shutdowns – having shut down freedom of speech, freedom of movement, and freedom of the thoughts you have when you’re just drifting off to sleep but feel you might need the loo.

Theresa May on First Dates 2

Theresa May has just 3 days to come up with a plan Parliament will accept. Begins speed dating MPs to try and find ‘the one’ (anyone) who’ll back her.

January 18, 2019

She’s meeting with as many MPs as she can in the meantime. She’s effectively speed dating. But whereas a regular singleton might be looking for ‘the one’, Mrs May is just looking for ‘anyone’. Anyone to back her new plan Bonus points if they’ve got any ideas as to what that new plan should entail – because she’s stumped.