Nature

Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather

Met Office warns Brits to stay inside to avoid the high risk of other Brits moaning incessantly about the icy weather.

January 23, 2019

Icy weather and snowfall has been seen across much of the country for the past few days – and is set to continue. The public are being warned to stay indoors to avoid the risk of neighbours or coworkers saying something banal and annoying like ‘oh hasn’t the temperature dropped’ or ‘do you think it’s going to settle? I don’t think it’s going to settle.’ or ‘the last time I felt this cold was when I hugged my mother in law.’

Attenborough warns the natural world is in peril. Before confessing that climate change is all his fault.

January 23, 2019

“For over fifty years I’ve been travelling the world with a huge support team of producers, camera men security guards, make-up artists and hangers on to study nature in situ. I, and my team, have circumnavigated the globe literally hundreds of times. Stupidly I used jumbo jets, oil burning ships and big off road gas-guzzling vehicles to get around. I didn’t walk or use my bike. I know that was dumb now. Every time I see a clip of another huge chunk of ice dropping into the sea my guts churn.”

Eels in the Thames ‘buzzing’ off the cocaine Londoners (literally) piss away. City’s Bankers immediately flock to the river in search of slippery new highs.

January 22, 2019

“We all laughed at that photo of the seal with the eel in his nose, didn’t we? But he knew what he was doing,” shouted one man, as he waded further into the water with eyes like disco balls and an eel dangling from each nostril. He was later witnessed screaming, “I’m the king of the world!” and pounding his chest like a gorilla, before eventually disappearing beneath the water – another victim of London’s pervasive eel culture.

Bez can celebrate, as industrial Fracking now banned in Greater Manchester! Immediately shifts campaign over to the dangers of personal use instead.

January 8, 2019

Bez has also been less than complimentary on fracking for personal use: “First, you might frack a bit of shale in the garden to boost the patio heater for dinner-party friends at the weekend, and it’s a laugh, you get a buzz off the tremors. Then before you know it you’re living in a frack-den full of frack-heads pipelining half the neighbourhood and you can’t remember the last time you snorted fresh air. So, just say no, man!”

Climate change won’t make us stupider – says man who is already quite thick.

December 10, 2018

Rising levels of carbon dioxide could cause a decline in the brainpower of workers around the world according to new research by academics at University College London.

This comprehensive study has been roundly dismissed by a man, Terry Sand, who reckons ‘it’s probably fine’ and ‘nothing to worry about.’ Terry has no evidence to back up his claims but luckily he’s living in an age where that doesn’t seem to matter even slightly.

Get out, you’re bird! Shitfaced seagulls target Taunton

July 6, 2018

Nearly 30 of the birds have been found drunk and disorderly in the area in recent weeks. A spokesgull responded: “What the fuck are you talking about mate? You come round here talking shit? You’re asking for trouble. What were we talking about? You’re my best mate. Got any chips?”.