Netflix hit ‘Tidying up with Marie Kondo’ causes surge in charity shop donations. Her plan all along! Marie spotted smuggling all that cheap tat back into her messy London home.

January 22, 2019

Marie’s philosophy is the ‘KonMar’ method – where you get rid of an object if looking at it doesn’t ‘spark joy’ The result has been catastrophic for some as they have thrown away some really quite important medicines; when seeing them, they don’t feel joy – just a sad reminder of their health problems.

Eels in the Thames ‘buzzing’ off the cocaine Londoners (literally) piss away. City’s Bankers immediately flock to the river in search of slippery new highs.

January 22, 2019

“We all laughed at that photo of the seal with the eel in his nose, didn’t we? But he knew what he was doing,” shouted one man, as he waded further into the water with eyes like disco balls and an eel dangling from each nostril. He was later witnessed screaming, “I’m the king of the world!” and pounding his chest like a gorilla, before eventually disappearing beneath the water – another victim of London’s pervasive eel culture.

Allsopp’s partner worried spoiling their kids at Christmas will ruin them. Kirstie concedes hiring JK Rowling to write their thank you letters possibly a step too far.

December 17, 2018

Last year she got her nanny to wrap their presents, used staff to decorate her two homes, paid a man to decorate her windows with spray snow and paid someone to wrap garlands around the staircase. She does concede she may have gone too far when she hired J K Rowling to write her children’s thank you letters.