Home Affairs

“Mercy Mercy Me” says Sheeran – “What’s going on?! I’ve never listened to Marvin Gaye in my life. I’ve only ever heard his name through the Grapevine”.

January 6, 2019

Despite this, Judge Louis Stanton declared that he found ‘substantial similarities between several of the two works’ musical elements’. Ed Sheeran strenuously denies the claims, saying he would never copy the Motown legend in any way at all, and that his song ‘Ain’t nothing like the real thing’.

Neo-Nazi couple who named child after Adolf Hitler jailed. Now wishing they’d just gone with first choice name ‘Donald’.

December 18, 2018

Birmingham Crown Court heard that Adam Thomas and Claudia Patatas gave their child the middle name Adolf in “admiration” of Hitler. Thomas was jailed for six years and six months, and Patatas for five years. Patatas was given a lighter sentence – the judge explained – because her surname literally means ‘potato’ in Spanish, and this tickled him somewhat as it aptly described her IQ.

Climate change won’t make us stupider – says man who is already quite thick.

December 10, 2018

Rising levels of carbon dioxide could cause a decline in the brainpower of workers around the world according to new research by academics at University College London.

This comprehensive study has been roundly dismissed by a man, Terry Sand, who reckons ‘it’s probably fine’ and ‘nothing to worry about.’ Terry has no evidence to back up his claims but luckily he’s living in an age where that doesn’t seem to matter even slightly.

NHS “too reliant” on Fax Machines. Requests to ‘pass the scalpel’ or ‘apply pressure’ must now be sent via text instead.

December 10, 2018

The machines play a fundamental role in surgery – with requests to ‘pass the scalpel’ or ‘apply pressure’ traditionally sent via fax. Surgeons say this ensures messages are relayed without ambiguity as verbal cues tend to be muffled by surgical masks – which can be problematic. One consultant recalled asking an assistant, ‘Did you just fart?’ on a day when the fax machine happened to be out of order. They responded by immediately removing the patient’s heart.

The Paris Riots. More PR Coup than Coup d’état.

December 8, 2018

Parisians on all sides unite in an attempt to shed their old-fashioned ‘city of love’ image.

“Who wants to visit a place famous for being the world’s city of love’ anyway, when the very concept of ‘love’ has been tarnished by shows such as Love Island, and reduced to the image of two gym addicts rutting away like rabbits?”

Teenager jailed over hoax bomb threat that closed schools. Start of his sentence delayed, thanks to “unrelated” anonymous bomb threat closing prisons.

December 7, 2018

A teenager who sent thousands of hoax bomb threats to schools, causing some of them to close for a number of days, has been jailed for three years. Pupils at schools across the country are reported to have gathered in silence shortly after the sentencing to pay homage to their revered ‘fam’ George Duke-Cohan, the ‘legend’ who got them a day or two off school in March this year.