The blues have come up with a rather novel approach to immigration. All immigrants are to be sawn in half on arrival in the UK thus halving immigration. This has immediately been criticised by the right as it will double the number of immigrants. But the Conservative centre allay these fears by pointing out that sawing in half is, in most cases, fatal.
Home Affairs
Hospital waiting times hit record levels, as staff have to make the daily commute from Europe.
November 15, 2019Many trained professionals in the NHS have left Britain during the past 3 years of Brexit discussions, due to bigotry, deportation, or a general fear for the ‘moral fly tipping site’ the country has become. These foreign staff are still employed by the NHS however, much to the Conservative party’s smouldering outrage, and as such make the commute from their respective home countries.
Brexit Party only to stand in seats that can’t offer Nigel Farage a Peerage
November 12, 2019The Brexit Party has announced that it will not stand candidates in the 317 seats won by the Conservatives at the 2017 general election. And will only stand in constituencies of MPs representing parties that wouldn’t support Brexit Party Leader, Nigel Farage, obtaining a peerage.
Brexit party to contest less seats: ‘We’ve run out of cunts!’ says Farage.
November 12, 2019The Brexit party will not stand in the 317 existing Tory seats for the coming election, they’re calling it tactics but the truth is rather more specific. They have run out of cunts.
NHS start selling weed to help pay the bills
November 11, 2019Facing ruin if the Tories get back into power, or just living in impossible debt if Labour do, the NHS is taking matters into its own hands to keep the wolf from the door.
“Why don’t the northerners just use their family sailboats to escape the floods?!” asks Rees-Mogg
November 9, 2019Jacob Rees-Mogg has issued a statement advising citizens to ignore everything the rescue services tell them, and to do the complete opposite.
Election: Brexit party, Muppets, Mafia, Flat-Earthers and Syphilis agree pact!
November 8, 2019Mr Farage aims to outdo Swinson’s crew with a tour de force pulled together from the fringes of society where reality is no more relevant than other mythical constructs such as decency, fairness, peace, love and humanity.
Seven-time loser rejects opportunity to become eight-time loser
November 4, 2019“I’m going to retire at the top”, stated seven-time Westminster loser Nigel Farage, “It’s time to stand aside and let others in the Brexit Party have the opportunity to taste the sweet smell of Parliamentary Election defeat”
Recently discovered 4000 year old corpse declared ‘fit to work’ by DWP.
November 3, 2019A Bronze Age monument dating back to about 2000 BC has been discovered in the Forest of Dean. Buried under the earth was also the remains of a 3000 year old corpse which, after an initial assessment and examination, has now been passed onto the DWP who have declared it ‘fit to work’.
“He claimed he’d be a better PM than the one in Love Actually” says Hugh Grant, explaining Sajid Javid Handshake Snub.
November 1, 2019Hugh Grant refused a handshake from Sajid Javid at a film première. The actor took to twitter to explain his reasons.
