Sajid Javid has unveiled the new commemorative 50p coin to mark Britain’s departure from the EU on 31 January. He has also unveiled the new commemorative font to be used by banking apps for 50p transfers.
Home Affairs
Britain First to patrol British beaches with Dettol to stop foreign Coronavirus invading the country.
January 25, 2020Health Secretary Matt Hancock has said that the risk of the Chinese Coronavirus entering the UK ‘remains low’. Fascist political organisation Britain First have ignored these reports, and said they are not taking any chances with a ‘foreign’ virus entering the country. Members of the party have been patrolling the coastlines of the country, armed with dettol wipes, spray bottles of cif, and water pistols full of Cillit bang.
Sex Ed and RE now compulsory in Wales – both classes to be taught by the local priest
January 22, 2020The Welsh government have decided to make sex education and religious education compulsory. The Church claims their Priests are the perfect fit for the job and are the most suitable people in society for the role.
Conservatives to implement new ‘Dirty scroungers tax’ for lower income households.
January 22, 2020A study by the Resolution Foundation has shown that average low-income households are likely to be worse off under the Conservative Government. This is in part due to the new ‘Dirty Scroungers’ Tax to be implemented on anybody on Universal credit, from a working class household, or living anywhere above Milton Keynes.
UK Schools to tackle climate crisis by sacrificing students to the Earth Goddess Gaia.
January 16, 2020Almost 200 schools across the UK are to start serving plant-based meals in an attempt tackle the climate crisis. This is part of measures by schools across the country to tackle their carbon footprint, including sacrificing students to the Earth Goddess Gaia.
Disaster in Slough as residents realise they live in Slough
January 15, 2020Emergency services were called to Slough last night, after residents realised they live in Slough. The town was hit by high winds, as even God said the town was beyond hope.
Posh and Becks replace Harry and Meghan as new Duke and Duchess of Sussex
January 10, 2020Having become jaded with the burden of responsibility of being the royal family’s ‘touchy-freely’ franchise, Harry and Meghan have stepped-down to allow the experts, Posh and Becks, to carry on their good work.
Harry and Meghan to become TV royalty with launch of new Kardashian-style reality show
January 10, 2020The Duke and Duchess of Sussex astounded the country when they announced their decision to step back from the Royal Family. And now details of the couple’s plans to create a life of freedom with financial independence are being discussed.
Queen announces she’s stepping back from Royal duties as her family and her government are all a bunch of enormous bellends
January 10, 2020The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have announced they are to step back from all senior royal duties. After yet another crisis, The Queen has also announced she is stepping back from Royal duties because, frankly, she doesn’t have to deal with all this shit at her age.
NHS hospitals to run daily raffles to decide who gets surgery that day
January 9, 2020Thousands of patients across England have been left waiting months for treatment and surgeries. These statistics are part of an ongoing crisis in the NHS that has developed over the past few years.
