Boris Johnson has said he will run for the Conservative Party leadership after Theresa May stands down. The comments mark…
Home Affairs
Dot Cotton to join Extinction Rebellion, after BAFTA call for more climate change plot lines
May 16, 2019“We want to show Dot’s decline into extreme activism”, Kris Green stated at a press launch today, “At first it will be simple things like installing a smart meter, or using eco-friendly washing liquid, but we’ll quickly introduce more alarming actions, such as planning a pop-up skate park in Albert Square, eventually leading up to Dot supergluing herself ‘Kath’s Café’ in a rabid vegan protest”.
King’s College Hospital confirms bed bugs on ward: “they’re incredibly hard workers, and accept much less than minimum wage”
May 15, 2019A spokesperson said women were still being admitted to the ward, but warned of delays as some of the bugs are finding it difficult to get to grips with even the most basic admin tasks.
Unemployment skyrockets as Govt realises Jeremy Kyle being on TV was the only thing getting Brits out of the house and back into work.
May 14, 2019ITV has suspended The Jeremy Kyle show after a guest died shortly after filming. It is also conducting a review into the episode “given the seriousness of this event”. The broadcaster took Monday’s show off air and replaced it with a repeat of Dickinson’s Real Deal. The government hopes the show will be back on TV soon as they say ‘it is the best way of getting people out of the home and into work.’
UK to save the £3bn needed to fight organised crime by putting criminals in charge of the country instead
May 14, 2019A News Dump correspondent asked if the criminals might do a better job, to which the spokesman commented, “Well they couldn’t do any worse!”
Mistranslation during Welsh independence protest leads to accidental release of dragons
May 12, 2019The march ended with a rendition of the Welsh national anthem Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau which roughly translates as, “Our Dragons are Better than Yours”. Protesters then congregated in their local pubs with the general agreement that what the UK really needs is less talk, more legendary animal battles.
UK weather forecasters continue to misunderstand what ‘hot’ means
May 10, 2019Excited weather forecasters announced that temperatures in the UK will exceed those in Sicily next week, but once again fail to understand that that low 20s is not actually ‘hot’. This has been an ongoing issue in weather reporting, disclosing a fundamental gap between the education and training of UK weather forecasters and those of their European counterparts.
UK manages 6 days without coal – but the Hamsters are at breaking point, and ready to strike
May 9, 2019Today marks the longest that the UK has gone without coal-fueled electricity since the Industrial Revolution, and, “the added workload is just ridiculous,” claims Mr. Fluffster, head of the HAPT (Hamsters Are People Too) action group.
Leaked script confirms Bond will take on UK’s flood risk in 25th film “Live and Let Dry”.
May 9, 2019Environment agency chairwoman Emma Howard Boyd warned “we cannot win a war against water”. But later added: “Not without laser watches and jetpacks built into shoes.”
UK won’t ban trophy hunting imports, says man with Boris’s head mounted on wall.
May 8, 2019A cross-party Early Day Motion that has been signed by 159 MPs, called upon the UK government to stop trophy hunting imports of endangered species. Though Mr Gove refused, saying “I think it would be in everyone’s interest to reintroduce Liam Fox-hunting.”
