Health, Lifestyle and Family

New Research finds night owls more likely to be depressed. Because early risers keep waking them up before midday to take part in spurious research.

February 1, 2019

Researchers believe there is a link between depression, sleep patterns and the hours people work. “It certainly reflects my experience,” says a depressed Jeremy Corbyn of Islington, North London. “I often go to sleep late at night after an exhausting day of moaning about the unfair bias of the various News media outlets. Then I wake up on my sofa, late in the afternoon on the following day, to find there’s no time left to get anything done.”

Vegans could make the best ‘Super Poo’ donors. “We might not give a shit about your diet, but we definitely give a crap about your poo” say Researchers.

January 24, 2019

If you’ve done a poo you’re really proud of (it must be your own – don’t poo hunt from people in public lavatories), simply place it in a sealable bag or container (not paper – this is no time to be thinking about recycling) and deliver to your local hospital receptionist. Be sure to state clearly “I have a poo for you – you are welcome.” Then leave knowing that you may have helped saved a life by once, just this once, actually giving a shit.

Met Office issues weather warning. Snow poll results: 52% annoyed, 48% excited.

January 23, 2019

There are still many who think the wintry conditions are a wonderful excuse for a day of fun and relaxation. “It all looked a bit dicey outside so I just stayed in bed for a bit before going into the garden and building a crap snowman. Work’s just not important in the grand scheme of things,” said Prime Minister Theresa May. “That Brexit deal can wait!”

Netflix hit ‘Tidying up with Marie Kondo’ causes surge in charity shop donations. Her plan all along! Marie spotted smuggling all that cheap tat back into her messy London home.

January 22, 2019

Marie’s philosophy is the ‘KonMar’ method – where you get rid of an object if looking at it doesn’t ‘spark joy’ The result has been catastrophic for some as they have thrown away some really quite important medicines; when seeing them, they don’t feel joy – just a sad reminder of their health problems.