The world waits with bated breath to see if he develops a range of superhuman/bat-like powers. It’s not known yet if the bat was radioactive and developed in a lab by an evil scientist with plans for world domination, which would virtually guarantee the child some kind of super ability.
Health, Lifestyle and Family
Twitter trolls use site outage to swot up on spelling and grammar
July 12, 2019Large parts of Twitter went down on Thursday to consternation in the UK and America. The sites troll community have used the outage as an opportunity to swot up on their spelling and grammar.
You definitely have cancer, confirms Alexa
July 10, 2019From today, the voice-assisted technology is automatically searching the official NHS website when UK users ask for health-related advice. Meaning that users are able to get a quick, free diagnosis from the plastic cylinder in their lounge that the unusual feeling in their stomach or in one of their limbs is most probably cancer and that they’d better start making funeral arrangements.
Boris delighted to hear teenage stab victims are sewing up their own wounds to save the NHS money
July 6, 2019Mr Johnson has praised the youngsters for showing tremendous initiative, and says they are a shining example of the kind of ‘can do spirit’ he wants to create in post-Brexit Britain.
Teenager Cori Gauff may be forced to pull out of Wimbledon as next match starts before she gets out of bed at midday.
July 4, 2019Having reached the third round of Wimbledon, Cori Gauff will receive at least £111,000. Which means she now holds the record for the highest paid summer job in her class.
“First the world cup, now this…” Brits furious that 45.9°C France has beaten our record highest score.
June 29, 2019All this wind coming over here, taking our cold fronts – “Just because they’ve got more degrees” muttered Terry.
Procreation, Procreation, Procreation: cult of Kirstie Allsopp threatens UK once more
June 26, 2019Kirstie Allsopp has come under renewed criticism after tweeting that couples in their late twenties should ‘have kids NOW’ and not ‘blow £20k on a wedding’ The TV presenter turned cult leader, who uses Twitter to control the minds of her devotees, also told them to buy a ‘cheaper house.’
Scots hunting for new national pastime after drop in alcohol sales
June 20, 2019Sales of alcohol in Scotland last year dropped to the lowest level since recording began in 1994. This is thought to be in part due to the introduction of minimum pricing in May 2018. This has led to a desperate scramble in Holyrood to find a new national pastime.
Nike introduce drug-taking mannequins to inspire people to take up athletics
June 13, 2019Other aspirational mannequins being introducing are a mannequin covered in cold, hard cash for those hoping to win the lottery, a geriatric mannequin waving its fist at the BBC and a mannequin flipping the double bird to the general public, which is the aspiration of every high street store’s Executive Board.
“You can’t change your gender” says man in dress
June 12, 2019The text, ‘Male and Female He Created Them,’ was intended to help Catholic teachers, parents, students and clergy address what the Vatican’s Congregation for Catholic Education called an ‘educational crisis’ in the field of sex education, and also foster a healthy culture of hypocrisy, bigotry, hatred and prejudice within the Catholic Church.
