Millennials are not only waiting on a lucrative inheritance to get on the property ladder but they also have to rummage through mum and dad’s kitchen bin in order to find food. “Bin juice smells bad but surely it’s all just broken down fruit and vegetables and must therefore be quite nutritious,” one millennial told us in between severe bouts of vomiting and diarrhoea. “And it’s free!
Health, Lifestyle and Family
Study shows “disgusting” Carl Benjamin is the real reason Brits are having less sex
May 9, 2019Sarah and I were total fiends before he came onto the scene. But the first time I saw a news report about the things he says I became violently physically ill. I didn’t think I was going to make it. I just about pulled through but now I’m always nauseous and feel dirty. I think knowing he’s out there makes me aware that deep down mankind is evil and repulsive, so the idea of giving my girlfriend a good seeing to just feels like lying to myself.
God launches appeal to Court of Arbitration in Sport over whether Caster Semenya is a woman
May 8, 2019“It’s an important case,” said God today, “as I have always been one for a bit of variety. For example, Sonny Liston had unnaturally long arms and went on to be a boxing champion. I also accidentally gave Usain Bolt strong legs, but maybe I need to stop the likes of that.”
Houses of Parliament to employ Nappy Changer
April 10, 2019An infant school has employed someone to change nappies because so many attendees are not toilet-trained, a councillor has said. And there is outrage. Not least amongst the members of the ERG – who are furious that they still have to change their own.
New law to make divorce easier if you marry a total bellend by mistake
April 9, 2019In future couples will be able to choose from a drop-down list of standard reasons for separation including ‘constantly leaves the toilet seat up’, ‘loves that f**king cat more than me’ and ‘likes to watch Adam Sandler movies’.
Husbands and children offered indicative votes over where to go on holiday this year.
April 8, 2019wives across the nation have demonstrated their strength and stability as home makers by offering the votes in an effort to break the deadlock over crucial decisions. Although early indications are the votes will have no bearing on the eventual outcome.
‘Worst’ short-haul airline Ryanair finally makes it into a Top Ten. Europe’s Top Ten polluters.
April 2, 2019Ryanair has made it into the list of Europe’s top ten polluters – the only company on the list that doesn’t run on a coal-fired power plant. Ryanair instead runs on the failed hopes and dreams of its customers – who were wishing upon a star they’d get to travel with anyone but the budget airline
Scientists grow meat on blades of grass. Ethical Vegans set to boycott Gardener’s Question Time.
March 26, 2019This research was supposed to be confidential but it was impossible to keep it secret in a lab that contained both a rat and a grass.
9 things that make us – the suckers writing all this funny stuff – Happy.
March 20, 2019As it’s world happiness day today – we thought it would be the perfect opportunity to share 9 things that make us, here at The News Dump, happy.
A&Es ditch four-hour waiting time targets. Travelodge to step in – will change their slogan from ‘Sleep Tight’ to ‘Sleep Forever’.
March 12, 2019The four-hour A&E waiting time target – used as a measure of hospital performance – is set to be abandoned in favour of a series of new standards under proposals that will be trialled later this year The proposals are connected to the partnership arrangement between hospital A&E departments and budget hotelier Travelodge, to transform the seeking of urgent treatment for an injury or illness into an ‘overnight wellness experience’ for a modest price.
