Former prime minister Theresa May has been handed over to scientific research as part of the battle to defeat Covid-19. The selfless gesture was made by the Conservative Party as it desperately tries to actually achieve something useful in the fight against the global pandemic.
London Mayor Sadiq Khan called for people to wear non-medical face masks – such as scarves or bandanas – in public as “additional protection” to social distancing. “And I personally wouldn’t rule out the Celebrity Cardboard Mask, in these serious times” he added.
The government has today warned that, unless couples take turns in making the most of being locked up together for weeks on end, there will be an ‘unmanageable peak’ in NHS maternity wards next January.
“I first started to notice it when 3G was introduced. I would talk to women and they wouldn’t have sex with me. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just me, and lo and behold, all my online conspiracy theory friends seemed to be having trouble sleeping with women.”
Doctors and nurses throughout Britain have welcomed the news that Jacob Rees-Mogg’s firm Somerset Capital Management is set to take advantage of the coronavirus and make vast profits for their investors.
The UK Government is aiming to carry out 100,000 coronavirus tests a day in England by the end of April. Health Secretary Matt Hancock stated that although challenging, by improving the supply chain and finding new sources of reagent chemicals, this target would be entirely possible by lying.
Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock have contracted coronavirus. Last week’s announcement shattered the accepted belief that Muppets were immune from the disease. Even the show’s own chief medical advisor, Dr Bob, saying that he was ‘flabbergasted’ to hear the news.