A Doncaster pensioner cut off by flooding after days of torrential rain has been visited by a succession of parliamentary candidates but is still waiting to be reached by the emergency services. Retired farmer Stanley Thomson has been trapped on the first floor of his house on the outskirts of town since the weekend.
Health, Lifestyle and Family
NHS start selling weed to help pay the bills
November 11, 2019Facing ruin if the Tories get back into power, or just living in impossible debt if Labour do, the NHS is taking matters into its own hands to keep the wolf from the door.
Mental health crisis: As election looms Tories finally pretend to find a few fucks to give
November 6, 2019Health Secretary Matt Hancock has announced that thousands of mental health patients will have their care reviewed within the next 12 months after a damning report by the Joint Committee on Human Rights.
“Ban fatties from public transport” says outgoing CMO
October 11, 2019Snacking should be banned on public transport and extra taxes placed on unhealthy foods to tackle child obesity, England’s outgoing chief medical officer says.
Germaine Greer spontaneously combusts after woman turned down for job based on bikini pic
October 5, 2019Feminist Germiane Greer spontaneously combusted in Starbucks yesterday afternoon when she read that a woman had been denied a job by a marketing company, but then realised it was because she’d included a bikini pic in her application.
Fully grown man trolling Greta Thunberg celebrates 39th year of virginity
September 26, 2019When approached for comment about why, specifically, he hated Thunberg so much Timms asked, several times, if this correspondent could buy him a birthday drink to discuss it further. When it was revealed I was washing my hair and couldn’t attend, a dejected Timms could be heard humming happy birthday to himself while posted a wildly oscillating update claiming Thunberg “Hates men and freedom of speech and needs to shup up!”
‘Free care for the elderly!’ Says political party led by old man
September 23, 2019The Labour Party want free care for the elderly because they can’t afford to keep Jeremey Corbyn in man-nappies and personal care. The bumbling old fool has repeatedly interrupted the party’s conference in Brighton by putting his hand up to go for a pee, usually too late.
Walmart bans e-cigarettes to make more space on the shelf for guns
September 21, 2019The current section for e-cigarettes is situated next to the firearms wing of the store and it is just taking up too much room.
Zombie-like flu set to enter the UK “the fault of Remainers” says W.H.O. Doctor
September 19, 2019A flu-like illness could travel around the world in 36 hours and kill 80 million people – and it’s all thanks to those bloody remainers
Boris Johnson’s pathological lying can never be cured, report doctors at the hospital he visited
September 18, 2019Doctors have today confirmed that Boris Johnson’s chronic inability to tell the truth is not something that can ever be cured.
