The UK remains in lockdown and many people haven’t left their homes for over a week. And one dog in Dorking has asked his owner to ‘bugger off and give me some space.’
Health, Lifestyle and Family
Priti Patel keeps Coronavirus at bay by taking it’s dinner money and then giving it a wedgie
March 28, 2020Health secretary Matt Hancock has tested positive for coronavirus. However, fears that other members of the cabinet may fall victim to the pandemic have been eased by Home Secretary Priti Patel bullying the virus as she took it’s dinner money, before giving it a wedgie.
PM receives millions of “Get Well Soon” cards as Nation realises Raab could take over
March 27, 2020Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. And the Nation’s mood quickly changed from shock to fear as they realised that the person designated to take over from Mr Johnson is non-other than Dominic Raab.
Dominic Raab training like he’s in the Rocky montage
March 27, 2020Boris Johnson has tested positive for Covid-19. As such, ‘Designated Survivor’, Dominic Raab, has been training like he’s Rocky in that montage that everyone knows. You know, the one with the ‘dada daaaaaaa, dada daaaaaaaa’ music.
House of Lords wakes to find London deserted
March 27, 2020Members of the House of Lords have today awoken to find most of London completely deserted, like they’re the protagonist in an apocalyptic thriller, which is what they all believe anyway.
Nation’s adulterers demand clarification on whether dogging classed as essential journey
March 27, 2020Prolific sex pest John Timms said “Given who’s in Number 10, I’m quietly confident he’ll be sympathetic to my commitment to extra-marital affairs, if my mistress and I let the spark go out just because of a potentially lethal virus then what’s the point of it all?”
Agoraphobes holding claustrophobes to ransom with sky-high prices for their single daily dose of leaving house
March 26, 2020The Conservative government has put measures in place to restrict everyone to ‘leave home once a day’, for exercise, essential shopping and going to a place of work, only if vital. However, these free-market, libertarian economic principles are allowing agoraphobics to demand sky high prices from claustrophobics for their single daily occurrence of getting out the house.
Newcastle United fans astounded by Mike Ashley’s compassion and understanding
March 25, 2020Fans of Premier League club Newcastle United have said that they are ‘absolutely flabbergasted’ at the level of understanding that Mike Ashley has shown towards his employees.
JD Wetherspoon owner, Tim Martin, tells family dog it’s OK to find another family
March 25, 2020Wetherspoons founder Tim Martin has told staff who might not be paid during lockdown to ‘go work at Tesco’. And in another act of kindness, Mr Martin has also instructed family dog ‘Muffin’ that she is free to find another family home as he will also no longer feeding the four-year-old Bichon Frise
Bleak outlook for Harvest Festivals as Brits actually eat all their tinned shit
March 25, 2020Harvest Festivals across the country are predicted to struggle this autumn as the impact of Coronavirus lingers. With many Brits actually eating all the tinned shit in their cupboards, the outlook for gift boxes for the elderly looks fairly bleak.
