UK coastguards have today announced that they have intercepted a number of cancers attempting to cross the channel in search of a ‘better and longer life’ in the United Kingdom. It follows this morning’s news that the UK is lagging behind its continental counterparts when it comes to patient survival rates.
Health, Lifestyle and Family
“To even suggest the human body just ‘stops’ working without food is just the latest in an increasingly desperate series of lies foisted on the Great British public. And for what? I’ll tell you what. So a group of un-elected bureaucrats in Brussels can cling to the idea that food easily gaining entry in the UK without punishingly inefficient border checks is somehow a good idea.”
In a statement issued earlier today Johnson (Jo) who had held the hereditary position since 1971 stated “It’s been an honour to have the role of Boris’s younger brother for the last 47 years and a pleasure to see him through many shambolic episodes and embarrassing incidents. In recent weeks I’ve been torn between family loyalty and the fact that he’s clearly a dishonest tit. “
Experts are warning about the dangers of “fussy eating” after a 17-year-old suffered irreparable sight loss after living on a diet of crisps and chips. But the news comes far too late for a man who’s been living on a diet of crisps and beer and is now completely blind to any adverse effects of a hard Brexit.
No need to worry about empty shelves in Sainsbury’s, we can eat processed cockroach meat instead, now isn’t that great news? UK Health Secretary Matt Hancock seems to think so, he’s suggesting that in the Mad Max type post-apocalyptic hell hole that Britain is about to become, bug burgers will put a smile on the face even the most emaciated remainer.