We’re going on a Beer Hunt its going to be a long one It’s going to be a great day..…
Health, Lifestyle and Family
Government donates Theresa May for use in coronavirus vaccine experiments
April 21, 2020Former prime minister Theresa May has been handed over to scientific research as part of the battle to defeat Covid-19. The selfless gesture was made by the Conservative Party as it desperately tries to actually achieve something useful in the fight against the global pandemic.
London Mayor asks for Celebrity Cardboard Masks to be deemed as ‘Suitable PPE’.
April 18, 2020London Mayor Sadiq Khan called for people to wear non-medical face masks – such as scarves or bandanas – in public as “additional protection” to social distancing. “And I personally wouldn’t rule out the Celebrity Cardboard Mask, in these serious times” he added.
Popular song discovered that hasn’t yet been turned into a f*cking Coronavirus anthem
April 16, 2020Unconfirmed reports from the music industry this morning suggest that a song may have been discovered which has yet to be ruined by attention seeking arseholes.
Shag in alphabetical order urges government, as pregnancy testing reaches 30,000 a day
April 16, 2020The government has today warned that, unless couples take turns in making the most of being locked up together for weeks on end, there will be an ‘unmanageable peak’ in NHS maternity wards next January.
5G conspiracy theorist hasn’t had sex since introduction of 3G
April 9, 2020“I first started to notice it when 3G was introduced. I would talk to women and they wouldn’t have sex with me. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just me, and lo and behold, all my online conspiracy theory friends seemed to be having trouble sleeping with women.”
NHS workers relieved to hear Jacob Rees-Mogg due to make a fortune from Covid-19
April 6, 2020Doctors and nurses throughout Britain have welcomed the news that Jacob Rees-Mogg’s firm Somerset Capital Management is set to take advantage of the coronavirus and make vast profits for their investors.
Test Target to be reached by improving Supply Chain, Reagent Production and Lying
April 4, 2020The UK Government is aiming to carry out 100,000 coronavirus tests a day in England by the end of April. Health Secretary Matt Hancock stated that although challenging, by improving the supply chain and finding new sources of reagent chemicals, this target would be entirely possible by lying.
Muppets in lockdown following Johnson and Hancock diagnosis
April 3, 2020Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock have contracted coronavirus. Last week’s announcement shattered the accepted belief that Muppets were immune from the disease. Even the show’s own chief medical advisor, Dr Bob, saying that he was ‘flabbergasted’ to hear the news.
Lockdown: dog tells his owner to ‘bugger off and give me some space’
March 30, 2020The UK remains in lockdown and many people haven’t left their homes for over a week. And one dog in Dorking has asked his owner to ‘bugger off and give me some space.’
