New NHS plan focuses on prevention as budget cuts mean all illnesses now reclassified as ‘incurable’

Royal Bournemouth A&E “cuts” waiting times by turning patients away. Other measures include letting down ambulance tyres, and training receptionists to pretend to ignore anyone who does slip past the nurse on the door.

January 23, 2019

Recent figures show that rural NHS trusts are suffering the most from underfunding. In South Devon so far this year 18 tonsillectomies and 2 triple heart bypasses have had to be carried out by veterinary surgeons. And a postman from Lowestoft has said that since Christmas he’s delivered more babies than parcels.

Eels in the Thames ‘buzzing’ off the cocaine Londoners (literally) piss away. City’s Bankers immediately flock to the river in search of slippery new highs.

January 22, 2019

“We all laughed at that photo of the seal with the eel in his nose, didn’t we? But he knew what he was doing,” shouted one man, as he waded further into the water with eyes like disco balls and an eel dangling from each nostril. He was later witnessed screaming, “I’m the king of the world!” and pounding his chest like a gorilla, before eventually disappearing beneath the water – another victim of London’s pervasive eel culture.

Public Health England recommends reducing consumption of Sugar across the board. BBC responds by dropping last 10mins from The Apprentice.

January 3, 2019

By the age of 10, the average child has exceeded the recommended level of sugar intake for an 18-year-old. Experts recommend 4 to 6 year-olds should have no more than five cubes of sugar a day; 7 to 10 year-olds, 5 cubes and 11+, no more than 6 cubes a day. Food Manufacturers are proposing that a more effective way to meet these targets would be to simply increase the size of sugar cubes.

NHS “too reliant” on Fax Machines. Requests to ‘pass the scalpel’ or ‘apply pressure’ must now be sent via text instead.

December 10, 2018

The machines play a fundamental role in surgery – with requests to ‘pass the scalpel’ or ‘apply pressure’ traditionally sent via fax. Surgeons say this ensures messages are relayed without ambiguity as verbal cues tend to be muffled by surgical masks – which can be problematic. One consultant recalled asking an assistant, ‘Did you just fart?’ on a day when the fax machine happened to be out of order. They responded by immediately removing the patient’s heart.