To replace the black hole in lost future tax revenue, the Government has entered a ten year pay per view deal with Sky Sports to televise Pensioner Russian Roulette. Sponsors will include BET 1440, whose front man Peter Mandelson will give the latest odds during commercial breaks.
Entertainment, Art & Culture
James Corden to appear in front of every camera across the world for the forseeable future.
July 22, 2019Actor James Corden was spotted in the town of Barry in Wales, where he is currently filming the Gavin and Stacey Christmas Special. This coincides with media expert reports that there will be no recorded footage or photographic evidence for the next few decades that will not feature James Corden’s face in them.
Donald Trump to divorce Melania so he can marry Katie Hopkins
July 21, 2019“I’ve been married to Melania for years now and I have been the best husband to her, bigly, but she hasn’t touched ‘little Donald’ in ten years so it is time to ditch her and get a new wife, and Katie Hopkins is the obvious choice. I can also make her the UK’s ambassador to the US at the same time. I am so darn smart.”
Theresa May blows everyone away with her stunning twerking and podium work
July 20, 2019Theresa May boogied away at the Henley festival, showing her famously awkward dance moves to Abba hits ‘Dancing Queen’ and ‘Mamma Mia’ Later on however, she came into her own, blowing everyone away with her mind-blowing grime moves. Young persons then whoop and cheered as she stripped down to her bikini, amazing everyone with her twerking and podium work.
Tory plan to use Queen to stop no-deal Brexit backfires as she turns up in Brussels on a dragon
July 19, 2019Senior Tories seeking to block a no-deal Brexit are examining a radical plan involving the Queen. However the Queen has her own plan which involves flying to Brussels on her 40 foot dragon ‘Sax-Coburg’.
Husbands getting pretty fucked off with how long Love Island is lasting
July 18, 2019The long-running sub-reality show has just surpassed Coronation Street for how long it feels it’s been on TV. Husband, Barry Batterhead, said, “Fuck me. I just want to get on with watching some sub-par BBC drama series for an hour a night, as it’s the only time we watch something together.”
Democrats tell Donald Trump to ‘go home’ to making chocolate for Willy Wonka
July 15, 2019“I’m sure Willy Wonka the rest of the Oompa-Loompas would welcome him back with open arms. At the end of the day, he’s a weird looking, self-obsessed creepy narcissist who couldn’t give a damn about the well-being of the children in his care, and so is Willy Wonka. They’ll get on like a house on fire.”
Twitter trolls use site outage to swot up on spelling and grammar
July 12, 2019Large parts of Twitter went down on Thursday to consternation in the UK and America. The sites troll community have used the outage as an opportunity to swot up on their spelling and grammar.
Sir Kim Darroch to become UK ambassador to Love Island
July 11, 2019“it will be good to get away from orange skinned, narcissists spouting daft ideas incessantly. I’m sure the inhabitants of Love Island will provide a change of pace”.
High court tells News Of The World it’ll cost an arm and a leg to settle Heather Mills phone-hacking damages claim.
July 9, 2019Campaigner Heather Mills said she feels vindicated after settling her phone-hacking case against the News of the World for a “substantial” sum. However Heather Mills is now suing the high court for their insensitive remarks.
